Top secret: Government's plans on reading your private chats leaked
The setting:
An encryption policy has been put out by a department of the ministry called the Department of Electronics and Information Technology (DeitY). The policy seems to suggest that users have to store messages exchanged on email, social media applications and messaging services such as WhatsApp for up to 90 days and produce these on demand from a government agency.
September 18, 2015
Minister: What's the status?
Secretary: Not very good sir.
Secretary: People are saying it's bad for business, encroaches on citizens' privacy and bad for cyber and therefore national security.
Minister: Bad for national security? But this is for national security.
Secretary: Exactly sir.
Minister: ?
Secretary: People are saying if we force them to keep WhatsApp messages that are 90 days old, the intelligence agencies of other countries and perhaps private organisations may be able to read them as well.
Minister: How absurd.
Secretary: Very absurd sir.
Minister: They trust others to spy on them before their own government does!
Secretary: Looks like that sir.
Minister: Rubbish!
Secretary: Others don't need to ask their citizens to store WhatsApp messages for three months so they can read them. So they must be more efficient.
Minister: This is utter rubbish!
Secretary: I'm not saying this sir. People are saying this.
Minister: People say rubbish on Twitter.
Secretary: This isn't on Twitter sir.
Minister: ?
Secretary: WhatsApp…
Minister: You're reading peoples' WhatsApp messages?
Secretary: Yes sir.
Minister: How?
Secretary: They're sending them to me sir.
Minister: What are they sending?
Secretary: "Kindly explain to your minister that just because he hasn't fought a Lok Sabha election himself he doesn't have the right to destroy the government's electoral prospects."
Secretary: That was a party colleague sir.
Secretary: "Please convey my heartfelt congratulations to the Minister for doing his job in an exemplary fashion. It must have taken a great deal of work and grit to craft such a strong policy draft. It is difficult to make tough decisions and stick your ground in the face of opposition but he must. We have immense faith in him. He must not go back on this."
Minister: !!!
Minister: Good! Some appreciation!
Secretary: That was from the leader of the largest opposition party sir.
Minister: Bloody hell!
Secretary: I was thinking the same.
Minister: Delete those messages.
Secretary: Yes sir.
Minister: Delete this chat too.
Secretary: Yes sir.
September 20, 2015
Minister: You know, I was thinking, if we pass this policy we won't be able to delete our own WhatsApp chats.
Secretary: No sir.
Minister: Should we talk in code then?
Secretary: Good idea sir.
Minister: Like 'spectacle man' while speaking about one person. Or 'Chicago boy' for another… Like that?
Secretary: Sir, respectfully, may I suggest something?
Minister: ?
Secretary: If you use 'spectacle man' and 'Chicago boy' many people may guess whom you're referring to.
Minister: Haha. That's right.
Secretary: On the other hand, if you use something more complicated things will get confusing.
Minister: Should we exempt Ministers from storing their WhatsApp messages?
Minister: But that will lead to more outrage.
Secretary: :
Minister: Maybe we should just stick to talking at actual physical meetings.
Secretary: Very good sir.
Minister: But I'm the minister of communications and information technology. How would it look if I, myself, am scared of communications of information technology and can't manage my ministry through it!
Secretary: Good point sir.
Minister: People will stop believing in Digital India.
Secretary: True sir.
Minister: Okay. Let's exempt mass-use products and social media apps like WhatsApp, Facebook and Twitter.
Secretary: Brilliant sir!
September 21, 2015
DeitY has issued an addendum saying that mass-use products and social media apps like WhatsApp, Facebook and Twitter will be excluded from the policy.
Minister: What's the status?
Secretary: They're unhappy about having to save emails for three months still…
Secretary: Also, they think we have ushered in an atmosphere of ambiguity and registration raj.
Minister: How can we usher in both ambiguity and registration raj?
Secretary: Sir, I suppose they think we are leading up to registration raj through ambiguity. They are seeing the policy as authoritarian, basically…
Minister: Rubbish.
Secretary: I would like to add sir, that the fact that the department is referred to as 'DeitY' isn't helping…
Minister: I really like DeitY.
Secretary: Also, a small reminder sir, the PM's Silicon Valley visit is coming up…
Minister: Okay, let's just withdraw the whole policy draft.
Secretary: Brilliant idea sir.
Minister: This won't be the first time we're doing it…
Secretary: No sir.
Minister: There was the porn ban.
Secretary: Yes sir.
Minister: And the land bill.
Secretary: Yes…
Minister: In a way it's good. It shows that we're a government which listens to people.
Secretary: Good point sir.
Minister: But it may also make us look weak and indecisive.
Secretary: Also a good point...
Minister: So what do we do?
Secretary: Find out who's responsible.
Minister: What?
Secretary: Sir, this wasn't the government's decision at all. The government is merely stepping in to save the day!
Minister: I see. Whose fault is it then, do you think?
Secretary: Well sir, obviously it's the fault of someone not used to language. Hence the grossly mis-worded draft…
Minister: It must be a scientist. Those fellows are buried so deep in their technology they just don't appreciate the importance of words. Not like good old lawyers…
Secretary: So true.
Minister: Fine then. Let's look into the matter, find the culprit and withdraw the draft immediately.
Secretary: Brilliant.
Minister: But look here, from now on, I entrust YOU with the responsibility of ensuring we don't have to revoke anything ever again.
Secretary: In that case sir, may I make a humble suggestion.
Minister: ?
Secretary: I understand, of course, the current strategy whereby the government aims to confound its critics by making incomprehensible policy noises, but if the government were to change track and adopt a bold new unheard of strategy of not putting forth any ridiculous proposals at all, it won't have to retract them.
Minister: I see your point.
Secretary: The opposition will be completely stumped!
Minister: You know, sometimes I think you would make a very good politician…
Secretary: You're very kind sir.
September 22, 2015
The minister has announced at a press conference that the government had decided to withdraw and reword the draft policy. The junior officer responsible for wording it incorrectly, a scientist, would be taken to task.
September 23, 2015
Minister: Have you deleted our chat?
Secretary: Yes sir.
Minister: Good. I had a horrible nightmare yesterday that it had been published somewhere.
Secretary: Horrible nightmare sir!