Mitron, we know what Modi will announce on New Year's Eve

One can only imagine this - somewhere in a dark nightclub in Gurgaon, when couples will begin to feel warm and fuzzy, and slowly start to grind against each other, waiting to welcome the New Year, Badshah’s DJ Waale Babu will suddenly scratch to a halt, and lo and behold, Prime Minister Narendra Modi will start addressing the nation.

Yes, according to various news reports, the prime minister will address the nation on New Year’s Eve, to talk about the elephant that has been taking up everyone’s personal space in the room and the ATM line - demonetisation.

Modi has, even in his recent speech in Goa, talked about fixing the situation in 50 days. That 50-day grace period now comes to an end on December 30. With the Opposition ready to pounce on him, and the country on its toes to hear that their woes are finally over, PM will have successfully stolen the limelight of every New Year’s Eve party in the country and done what he's best at doing - being the centre of attention.

It is speculated that Modi may also talk in detail about Digital India, and may announce sops to help tackle the nationwide cash crunch. But what if that’s not the case? What if the prime minister, on the last day of what has been a landmark year, as far as horrible things are concerned, announce a sequel to the plan that was demonetisation? What if he adds more rules and regulations to a process that changes its rules more often than Indian politicians change their stance on issues, or clothes?

Here are 10 possible new rules our supreme leader may add to make sure 2017 feels no different from 2016:

1) To withdraw money from an ATM, everyone in that unending queue must do 15-minutes of non-stop kapalbhati to keep stress levels in check and avoid losing temper, just in case the machine runs out of cash.

2) The demonetisation process will be taken further by making the legal tender of Rs 50 void. But the Rs 50 note can only be exchanged with Rs 10 coins.

3) If you are found holding more than three Rs 500 or Rs 1,000 notes, you will have to take a surprise quiz that will include material from the last three episodes of Mann Ki Baat.

4) For entering a bank, you will now have to produce your Aadhar card, driver’s licence, passport, birth certificate, school leaving certificate, WWE trump cards and proof of an old Orkut account.

5) If you stand in a queue for less than 45 minutes before you reach the bank or the ATM, you will have to stand on one leg, and quote at least three dialogues from the movie, Border.

6) In case you deposit more than Rs 1 lakh in your bank account, you will have to get a tattoo with the words “mera baap chor hai” on your right arm. Left arm for women.

7) Anyone who writes “Sonam Gupta bewafa hai” on the new currency will be asked to watch Saawariya and write an essay on the significance of the colour blue in the movie.

8) You can only withdraw money from the bank if you tweeted three good things about Digital India or Paytm and three bad things about Raghuram Rajan.

9) Your YouTube history will be checked to see if you “liked” AIB’s video on demonetisation. If you have, you will only be allowed to withdraw half the money you need.

10) In case you use the wrong ATM pin thrice, you will have to recite all the rules of demonetisation so far, and the Gayatri Mantra, to be able to change your pin again.

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