Five easy steps for India to prepare for a ban

1. Don't do anything that might earn you a living

If your work entails selling things that people may enjoy, you're in the wrong profession. The market is tricky. If you're a butcher, it's time to toss those knives (direction undecided), live a pious life filled with poverty and the sweet glee of politicians mixed with your misery. If you make those diabolical noodles, please go to the foreign country that approves your poisonous produce in its labs, you anti-national flour food-making traitors. If you make or sell worse-than-the-holocaust porn films... you can stay, I hear there's work for you in Parliament. And if you make films like Fifty Shades of Grey... Okay, you really are the enemy, quit your job.

Also read - Meat ban in Mumbai for eight days: Does India want to be a Saudi Arabia?

2. Lose your individuality

There is no need to have your own preferences. Society today functions on a simple algorithm - nobody likes the guy who likes the things nobody likes (seriously, hipsters, you're annoying. Please shower). If you don't enjoy the food, films, music, clothes, language, being male and thoughts that the masses enjoy, you'll get hurt when your nonsense minority preferences are quashed with one swift ban. Start being stronger. Start being part of the herd. Stop asserting your right to choose. If you really must exercise a right though, go with privacy while you still can.

3. Be ready with Emergency references

And don't forget to astutely defend every ban imposed by this government by saying "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING THEN??!!!#@$" to people who oppose having their rights taken away, even though most of them probably weren't even alive in 1975. Always remember, the flaws of one government forgive the flaws of another. It's basic political science.

Also read: Relax. Meat eaters won't kill or burn down your temples and mosques

4. Practise using words like "sickular" and "libtard" in front of the mirror

If you haven't done this at least four times in your life, how do you expect to be thick-skinned? Social media gets things moving. You can ban people who say or do things you don't like. And if you work hard enough, you can ban what they like. Practise this. Take your smartphone, stand in front of a mirror and glow with pride as you furiously type insults at people who don't have the same opinions as you. And for the opinions you ought to have, refer to point number two.

5. Never read the Constitution

Seriously. Steer clear of Articles 12-32 of the Constitution. Those are your Fundamental Rights. They're only there to make you angry when they are repeatedly violated. And why are they repeatedly violated? Because they go out at night in short skirts. Obviously.