Leaked! The diary of a proud nationalist and wannabe Modi bhakt

7am: Ah, nothing restores the tissues like morning tea and the papers - the most relaxing way to start my day. Cannot understand why people stand on their heads and do that yoga breathing rubbish. I already know how to breathe and stay calm, yaar.

8am: Shouted obscenities and stabbed the table with the butter knife. How dare "intellectuals" criticise this government? Wife came running to the dining room. Her eyes widened when she saw deep gashes on her grandmother's antique table. She crossed her arms firmly and demanded an explanation.

"Why are these idiots complaining about the price of dal, sweetie?" I offered meekly as explanation. "As if people like us cannot afford to pay 200 bucks a kilo."

Wife raised an eyebrow at me. "Very well, then. Please give your driver a 900 per cent increment starting now, so he can't complain either."

Glared at her and got back to the papers.

Suppressed the urge to pick up the knife again when I read that some morons were returning awards in protest. They're pretending that an atmosphere of intolerance is spreading across the country. Such rot. So what if several Leftie rationalists are murdered for pouring scorn on Hinduism? Good riddance, I say. And big deal if people are killed on the suspicion of eating beef or smuggling cattle. More than 80 per cent of this country is made up of Hindus. Our sentiments must be respected.

Also read: Where exactly do Muslims feature in BJP's Hindu Rashtra?

11.30am: Minor tiff with sales head. He cancelled my Kerala tour and put me down for Haryana instead. I shuddered and said that Kerala needs me. "You've been to Kerala four times last month. Any explanation?" he snapped. I slunk out of his cabin. Damn. I had been so looking forward to beef chilli fry and appams.

1.45pm: Was startled to find two chapatis and a tomato chutney-like blob in my lunch box. Called wife to ask her what it was.

"Daal tarka," she informed, tersely.

"You forgot to add the blasted dal," I snarled.

"Because you forgot to give the driver a 900 per cent increment," she said sweetly and hung up.

Bah.

3.45pm: Idiot liberals want the PM to condemn the murders and rising intolerance. Must write an article in his defence asap. The poor man is jet-lagged and is so busy taking foreign relations to a whole new high by wishing world leaders happy birthday, happy mother's day, happy groundhog day, happy abscess-puncturing day, etc. Also, he's only drinking water these days to propitiate the gods. Don't they have any consideration?

Also read: How Hindutva agents are more colonial than Left-liberals

Was so engrossed in my battle with stupid liberals on Twitter that I didn't notice the sales head slink up behind me. Almost jumped out of my skin when he spoke.

"Slacking off again?" he said in his usual sour voice.

Hastily minimised my Twitter page and wheeled around.

I looked at my shoes as he gave me a stern lecture. My ears burned because the juniors heard every word.

Unproductive my foot! If only he knew how many articles I churn out for Niti Central, Swarajya, News Laundry during meetings and my lunch break every single day! I'm saving the country from bloody liberals - that jerk is only interested in saving his job.

11.00pm: Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! The PM has started following me back on Twitter! He must have loved my article on Pappu yesterday. Got so many envious congratulatory messages from my new best friends on Twitter: @BeefEatersMustDie, @GharWapsiNow, @LoveJihadSena, @ViratHindusRule, @ZuckerbergBlocksTrashForModi and @InkAttacksRock!

7.45am: Woke up late today. Don't care if I'm sacked. Now that the PM has noticed me, I may be rewarded handsomely for my sterling service to the nation. Hello, FTII, PTI, or some fancy-schmancy company. Here I come, hooray!

Also read: Dangers of what Modi doesn't say and what bhakts don't want you to say