An exclusive interview with Burbadi al Moron on ISIS' finances

With Islamic State imposing ridiculous fines to augment its fast depleting income, we managed to get hold of the Islamic States' deputy finance minister's aide's peon for an exclusive interview.

The peon, who gave his name as Jehadi Burbadi al Moron, spoke extensively and exclusively about the financial plans of ISIS. Since we don't expect the reporter to survive the after-effects of this interview, we are publishing the remarks made off the record too.

Q: Your finances are a mess. Where and how will you get the money?

A: Oh, our bosses have it covered. A spate of new taxes is going to get us a lot of money. For example, we fine people who don't have beards but we're also going to put a beard tax. It's a win-win.

Q: Won't you lose support that way?

A: LOL! As if the ISIS has a lot of support. Wait! Don't print that. Anyway, we'll make up our money with the beheading tax. Every time an infidel is beheaded, the "beheader" pays us a lump sum. This amount is tax-deductible.

Then there's the television rights and sponsorship for beheadings. We also have drone attack insurance and a tax deduction for enslaving women.

Q: Surely, there are other ways to make money...

A: Of course. Politics. Soon we're going to launch an Arm Aadmi Party.

Q: What about all these plans to launch attacks into India from Bangladesh and other countries?

A: Oh that was a business proposal for a tiny start-up that got leaked. I haven't even shown the PowerPoint presentation to the bosses yet.

First we need to get funds sanctioned for it. I think this Panama crackdown has come as a setback. We will now have to look at venture capital elsewhere. We can always use funds from America.

Q: The US? Aren't they the ones bombing you?

A: That's quite normal. Look at Pakistan. The Americans keep piling them with dollars and their ISI uses that same money to fund Taliban fighters, give shelter to Osama, and attack CIA camps. Who do you think gave us funds to start this nonsense? *winks*

Q: Who?

A: I could tell you but then I'll have to kill you.

Q: *Gulp* Okay. What do you think about U2 singer Bono saying weapons like comedy can help destroy ISIS?

A: He's absolutely right. We hate knock-knock jokes. In fact, our suicide bombers especially hate that song — "Knock knock, knockin' on heaven's door". *Whispers* Off the record, It's quite catchy.

Q: We also heard you're trying to convert many people forcibly?

A: Nonsense. We all use iPhones here but anyone who uses Android is free to do so. Yes, using Windows phones may invite a fatwa but don't quote me on this.

Q: Why do you torture people? Please don't say it's a tax-free initiative.

A: Dude, you people are the ones that allow the likes of Sajid Khan and Prabhudeva to make films. This is the pot calling the kettle terrorist.

Q: Is it true that you people are afraid of dying at the hands of a woman?

A: Off the record, yes. We're also very scared of that Malala girl. On record, no.

*Interview ends with Jehadi Burbadi al Moron taking a selfie with reporter.*