Your horrorscope for June, 2016

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

On Sunday morning your girlfriend will ask you to come along to a brunch with her colleagues. You hate her colleagues almost as much as you hate brunch. An argument will ensue in which explain to her that if you really wanted to pay Rs 800 for a platter of breads then you'd rather be in Italy than in a stuffy restaurant playing Kenny G and other elevator music.

Eventually the two of you will make up and go to brunch in a stuffy restaurant playing Kenny G and other elevator music. You are so spineless that it's a wonder you can even stand up.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

At 6.42pm on Friday you will ask your mirror: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" Your mirror will reply: "Shah Rukh Khan".

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

This Wednesday is a special day because it marks the fact that it's been 11 years since you last entered a gym. You celebrate this anniversary like you have been doing for the last 11 years, by playing video games and ordering Dominos.

Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

On Tuesday at 3.34pm you will realise that as a stand-up comedian working in India, Rahul Gandhi is the only person you are allowed to make fun of.

You hate this because Rahul Gandhi jokes write themselves and you had quit your marketing job to challenge yourself.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

At 8.07am on Tuesday, you will jump a red light and collide with an auto rickshaw. The Tata Nano you will be driving will crush up like a Coca Cola can.

The genius that you are, you won't be wearing a seat belt and will be flung into a smouldering cauldron on the sidewalk that will be frying a particularly delicious batch of samosas.

Cancer (June 21 - July 20)

The LSD you dropped in 1993 will give you a minor flashback on Monday at 12.19pm and momentarily take you back to those days when you were a normal human being and not someone who churns out trite listicles for ScoopWhoop.

Leo (July 21 - August 20)

When your neighbourhood lout whistles as you pass by on Wednesday at 8.34pm, you will thank him profusely and consider your sex change operation a success.

Virgo (August 21 - September 20)

On Thursday at 11.17pm, you will post a random David Bowie song on Facebook because you want everyone to know how much you miss this great artist whose songs you have never heard. You only know him from that Christopher Nolan film about magicians.

Ritu from office (whom you secretly adore) will comment, "The man who sold the world!" You will have no earthly clue as to what she's referring to because you are a philistine.

Libra (September 21 - October 20)

At 4:42pm on Tuesday, the "Voices in Your Head" will tell you to donate a sizeable chunk of your savings to Radhe Ma. The Voices in Your Head are just as gullible as you.

Scorpio (October 21 - November 2)

At 8.47am on Thursday, while cleaning your ancestral home, you will stumble upon a box belonging to your late father.

In it you will find some of the filthiest magazines on this side of the Indian Ocean. It turns out your father was an avid reader of Playboy, Debonair and Filmfare. You will weep and shriek at this discovery because you thought your father was a decent man and not the kind of pervert who read Filmfare.

Sagittarius (November 21 - December 20)

If only you had bought that lottery ticket last week then you'd be a millionaire today. Nice going champ.

Capricorn (December 21 - January 19)

On Monday evening at 5.38pm, you will finally understand the meaning of life.

The true gravity of family, health and friendship will crystallise in your head with an uninterrupted epiphany that will make you pause in the middle of the road. This is when you will get hit by a bus heading to Vikaspuri.