Your horrorscope for August, 2016
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
When you read about the American meat industry, you count yourself lucky to be have been born as a cow in India because your life is so much better than your American counterparts.
Hell, your life is even better than most Indian humans. You sit in cities and villages, in lanes or on highways with nary a care in the world.
On August 12 at 8.47am, you will collide with a car full of passengers because you walked onto the highway.
Suddenly, a truck full of gau rakshaks will appear and accuse the passengers of wanting to eat you. They will threaten the women with rape and beat the male passengers with leather belts. You will attempt to tell the rakshaks that the fault is yours for not looking while crossing the road but all that will come out of your mouth is a useless "moo".
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Stop reading other people's horoscopes you Libra. Typical. This is why all the other zodiac signs hate you. This section is only for Pisces who will be having an utterly average month with absolutely nothing interesting taking place.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
On August 15, you will suddenly remember how great India is. You will play patriotic songs from your balcony while getting drunk on Royal Stag.
Your wife and children hate your faux-patriotism because for most of the year you whine about the poor state of India, corruption, Bangladeshis and how you want to move to Canada like your cousin Kuldeep. On August 16, your Royal Stag hangover (the worst kind) will make you hate India again.
Taurus (April 21 - May 20)
At 4.42pm on August 27, the Voices in Your Head will tell you to donate a sizeable chunk of your savings to Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. The Voices in Your Head are as crazy as Rakhi Sawant.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your life as a nationalist TV news anchor is becoming more and more disgraceful. You look into the mirror and can't recognise the fatheaded troll looking back.
When you studied journalism, you sought to be a reporter of truth. Who is this moron in the mirror and why does he think that everyone apart from him is pseudo? On August 26 at 9.03pm, you will invariably say something stupid and follow it up with "the debate is now open".
When you go home you will masturbate furiously to your TRP ratings because it's the only thing that keeps you from jumping off the nearest TV tower into the sweet, sweet embrace of death.
Cancer (June 21 - July 20)
On August 23 you will buy Siddhartha Mukherjee's The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer because you thought it was an astrology book with a special focus on Cancerians. Please don't have any children.
Leo (July 21 - August 20)
You always get the urge to relive your childhood memory of hanging your head out of the window and feeling the wind in your hair.
On August 29 at 8.12am, you will hang your head out of the local train expecting to feel the wind in your hair. However, you will feel a pillar in your face instead while crossing Kandivali station. It was nice knowing you.
Virgo (August 21 - September 20)
On August 11 at 1.29pm, while getting a Navratan oil head massage from a 54-year-old barber, you will get the most awkward erection of your life.
Libra (September 21 - October 20)
After reading books like The Secret and The Alchemist you are convinced that the universe is like some sort of home shopping network where you can just get whatever you want by thinking about it hard enough. If this was the case, then women would be safe in India and Kashmir would not a be a war zone.
Scorpio (October 21 - November 2)
On Organ Donation Day (August 13) you will go to your neighbourhood hospital to donate your harmonium because you are a moron.
Sagittarius (November 21 - December 20)
Sometimes, you wonder if you are really alive.
Are we all living in the Matrix? What if life is nothing but a collective dream in which we are all playing simulated parts?
What if you are actually dead and this "present" is nothing but a waiting room (purgatory, if you will) before the next stage?
Are you a man dreaming he's a rabbit or a rabbit dreaming he's a man? As your astrologer, I should let you know that not only are you alive and present in the physical world but you are also three weeks behind on rent. Stop smoking so much of charas while listening to "The Dark Side of the Moon" because it always messes with your head.
Capricorn (December 21 - January 19)
Life is fantastic because you are still Mukesh Ambani's son. However, you really miss the 108 kilos you lost because they helped you feel more down-to-earth.