How not be in the friendzone: My dating tips

One look at her and you are gasping for breath. No, I am not talking about the ghost from The Conjuring. It's the girl you just met at a friend's party. She is so beautiful that you wonder whether it's really her or if the cheap whisky doing its job.

She is your friend's friend, you get introduced to each other, but something is holding you back. A word that evokes more fear in men than all horror movies put together - FRIENDZONE. Some men have even admitted that being in a war zone would probably be better.

From someone who has spent a lifetime in the friendzone, here is a definitive guide on how to stay light years away from that dark place:

1. Make your intentions clear

Modern day philosopher who tries being human every once in a while, Salman Khan, once said 'darr ke aage jeet hai', he was right. Most men tread with care and walk into the friendzone by themselves. Men try to be the 'good guy'. Now, I am not sure if good guys finish last, but they certainly end up in the friendzone.

Let the girl know that your interest in her goes beyond her ability to swim with dolphins and linguistic mastery. Now there is a thin line that you need to walk. You have to show interest but if you show too much of it, it will be concluded as desperation. The thing with women is that if they can judge you, they'd rather not love you.

So here's my tip: say something like, "I am sure that you don't get this often, but you are kind of pretty."

Get the drift?

You are attracted to her, but not so much. If she hasn't run a mile away from you by now, then this is going in the right direction.

2. Getting the contact

Gone are the days when getting a girl's contact meant cause for a mini-celebration. If you fumble and act like her contact is a big deal, you will end up in the friendzone before you even know it. Even if your heart is running faster than Usain Bolt, act all cool. Channelise your inner Amitabh Bachchan, and say, "Give me your number, hain."

Remember, don't ask - just take. Act like getting her number is as obvious as having five servings of gulab jamuns after stuffing yourself with butter chicken at a Punjabi wedding.

3. Stay Offline

This one might be difficult. Most of us live on social media and come out once in a while to the real world. Staying offline is akin to an out of body experience. But after you have flirted a bit, she is expecting you to send a message, when you don't, she will probably check up on you. Now remember if familiarity breeds contempt, elusivity breeds desire.

4. Confuse her

It is not your looks or what you say that will get women attracted to you. Here's a tip: confusion is the unknown catalyst for desire. Get on WhatsApp and say "hey, you know…" and then go offline for 12 hours. Either she will pull her hair out or call you in frustration, most probably, the latter. When she calls, feign ignorance. Act as if you genuinely cannot remember what she is talking about. And then say, "oh yeah, that? I was wondering if you wanted to grab a coffee tomorrow evening".

By this time, you have confused her so much that she will agree to meet you out of curiosity, if not out of attraction, and that is not bad at all. Curiosity is the most evolved form of attraction.

5. Don't care

Yes, you heard me. Don't care, just don't care. Believe that thousands of women love you. So what if the only two women who actually care for you are your mom and sister, and mysteriously your sister cares only when Raksha Bandhan is round the corner. While at a date, get your male friends to call you. But act as if you are talking to girls. Once she notices that there are many women in your life, her competitive spirit will set in. She will want to win the race, without realising she is the only one participating.

6. Go for it

I don't mean for you attend the play she invited you to, you know you won't understand a thing. But now, whenever you both are alone and the moment feels right*, go for a kiss. Just look into her eyes, and do it. If she is into you, then congratulations! If not, you can always say, "I am sorry. I thought you were getting a stroke. I was just trying to administer some cardiopulmonary resuscitation." At this point she will either wonder what cardiopulmonary resuscitation is or slap you hard. The probability for the latter is higher.

Even with these steps if she is about to friendzone you, there is a final way out. Look into her eyes and say, 'look, I really like you. But I don't think things are going to work out between us. Let's be friends.' Friendzone her instead! That way you have at least scored a moral victory.

If you follow my advice you will cross forty and still be a virgin like Salman. Only in your case, it will actually be true.

And, notwithstanding what Bollywood may have taught you. *When a girl says "no", she actually means a NO.

Like I said, this is a definitive guide to stay out of the friendzone, even if it means you have to stay out of her life, FOREVER.