Your horrorscope for July, 2016

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

While leafing through GQ magazine at 7.19pm on July 3, your annual delusions of grandeur will make you wonder if you can pull off wearing an orange shirt with maroon corduroy trousers like that male model on page 42. You can't (also, stop reading GQ).

There's a reason why that look is called "heroin chic"; those cheekbones are not from the Atkins Diet but from the model's crippling heroin addiction. Since LAXMI MEDICALS are the only drug dealers you know, perhaps it's best to stick to your Milkybar addiction. Also, stop wearing striped shirts because they make you look like the Michelin Man.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

As you hide from the police this month, you will constantly repeat to yourself: "the next time someone asks for help in passing, I will not make them top the examination."

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Around midnight on July 9, you will attempt to show some soft porn to your wife to spice up your bland sex life. But because your life is a comedy of errors, the video you mistakenly play will be that of a Japanese college girl participating in a free-for-all bukake.

Your wife will be disgusted and will label you a pervert. She will scream at you for 12 minutes and 34 seconds and ask you to sleep on the sofa. Once she is asleep you will watch the bukake video again because you are a pathetic human being.

Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

This is a terrible month for you financially because your father is neither a businessman nor a politician.

To add to your woes, you will be paying minimum account balance charges because your bank wants to penalise you for not being the son of a businessman or a politician.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

The haircut you get on July 4 is going to be so calamitous that it will make people stop on the street and take photographs of you. You are on the verge of becoming an internet meme.

Cancer (June 21 - July 20)

As a Mumbaikar you have always thought that it is your job to go to other cities and tell their inhabitants things like "Mumbai is the only city", "once you live in Mumbai, you can't live anywhere else", "Mumbai is the New York of India" and "Mumbai is Maximum City' (when asked if you've read the book, you always pull a Rahul Gandhi face because you are a goddamn philistine).

You keep praising Mumbai in the hope that this will impress people, but the fact is, your landlord is the only one who cares where you live. On 21 July, in an Andheri East house-party, you will meet a man from New York who will insist that "New York is the only city", "once you live in New York, you can't live anywhere else", "New York is the capital of the world", and "New York is Ultra Max". This exchange will make you realise how lame you've been sounding all these years.

Leo (July 21 - August 20)

For the entirety of this month, you will be unable to shake the image of Raghuram Rajan and Subramanian Swamy enjoying a bubble bath together in a marble bathtub. You have no idea from where this image entered your imagination and why you can't stop thinking about it.

Virgo (August 21 - September 20)

On July 28, you will die doing what you loved least. You should have never bought that treadmill.

Libra (September 21 - October 20)

Your life as a BJP troll is getting more and more difficult. Of late, you are tired of waking up every day and having pointless debates with liberals on Times of India comment threads. Something in you has died a long time ago, never to return. Remember laughter?

On July 17, at 10.44am, you will vow to yourself that henceforth you will treat people with dignity and not jump to conclusions or blind hatred. At 10.46am, some "libtard" will ask why Modiji is silent on the violence of cow protectors.

You will politely tell him to "GO BACK TO PAKISTAN, YOU COCKROACH. I HOPE YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY BURNS IN HELL FOR ETERNITY". He started it, right?

Scorpio (October 21 - November 2)

On July 22, at 3.19pm, you will somehow manage to convince your colleagues that Anupam Kher's favourite author is Noam Chomsky.

If you could sell shares to your clients with as much ease then you could be of some use around the office.

Sagittarius (November 21 - December 20)

On July 7, as you wonder whether you should watch Savdhaan India or The Kapil Sharma Show, you will see your reflection on the television screen and have a moment of terrifying self-awareness.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy talks of a torture device called the Total Perspective Vortex, in which, you are given just one momentary glimpse of the entire unimaginable infinity of creation, and somewhere in it a tiny little mark, a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot, which says, "You are here".

For you, the vortex is your TV screen.

After July 7, each time you switch on your TV, you will realise that the universe is infinitely massive and expanding but you are wasting your life watching terrible TV shows.

Capricorn (December 21 - January 19)

Your job interview on July 23, will be an absolute failure because of not applying enough Fair and Lovely.

Can it be that you won't get the job because you have absolutely no work experience and a generic tribal tattoo on your forehead? Don't be silly!

Clearly, Fair & Lovely's SPF 15 Advanced Multi Vitamins were the only elements missing from your resume. You go girl!