When the law turns out to be a sexist gold-digger

Hello all women in possession of gold acquired with money of the fifty shades of grey category.

Hello all women regularly salivating at the latest Tanishq ad, or even tch-tch’ing at how they got the narrative wrong - (proves you’re either a journalist or an academic).

Hello all women “living in sin”, divorced – once, twice, more? (LULZ), footloose and fancy-free, oh, and all those Red O’Haras with their “the-institution-of-marriage-is-too-bourgeois-for-my-taste” tagline.

Hello all women – the Indian Penelopes in the Hindi freaking Heartland – who have been dumped and left to rot by your shitty husbands.

You have been re-classified.

You have been henceforth assigned the second class within the second class category that makes you a sitting duck for the piggy bank robbers that is your government.

Okay. Let me explain. [I need a flowchart.]

Are you married? → If Yes → 500 grams of “unexplained” gold you can keep. The income tax chaps will pay heed to your mangal sutra or marriage certificate or the old coot of the kaazi who sanctioned your "kabool hai, kabool hai, kabool hai".

→ If No → 250 grams is all that you can retain.

No, no points (yet) for being unreasonably sexy (remember, it’s all male gaze, anyway). No points if you’re 5’10” and can ace that Miss India thingy putting your right leg forward. No points if you’re a single mommy, raising your little one and the dog all by yourself. No points if you’re taking care of your entire family without husbanding an animal.

Nope. Zilch. Cipher. Nada.

The code that must not be breached is set in gold.

If you are a woman, the good fortune of being married can double your chances of saving your ill-gotten gold. How cool is that!

Your marriage certificate or sindoor or declared love for Ekta Kapoor serials can become your only lawful shields against the long arm of the law. Sindoor trumps all the others, rest assured, if you have stocked up the Patanjali brand.

See, don’t be scared. Decoding the press release from the ministry of finance cannot be that hard, now, can it be? It’s quite simple.

You want to partake in Swachh Bharat Abhiyaan of the heart and soul via your gold coffer (okay, the gaudy jewellery box you bought from that tawdry Chandni Chawk shopkeeper)? Get married.

You want to retain all those earrings you impulse-bought without letting anyone know after watching the Anouk ad? Remember The Visit? Remember how you lusted for that girl in your office in that well-lit corner you always envied? Get married.

You want to not lose all that gold you hid from your ex-husband and former in-laws when you realise it was all over? Get married. Again.

Seriously, why ask? Get married to come as clean as Sita in the eyes of this government that makes laws like a sexagenarian tau’ji, who can notice the bra-strap on a woman’s shoulders from a kilometre away, but not patriarchy, or sexism, or homophobia, or the oppressive cage that the Indian arranged marriage can turn out to be.

Remember, marriage will make you twice the woman. Oh, and motherhood might double that, though finance ministry hasn’t yet come out with a diktat on that. We are still figuring out the math here.

And listen, in case you thought that the income tax guys are just dacoits deployed by the government out to get your gold, think again. They may just be a nice bunch of basically overworked people who are only worried about your marital status, your bedroom antics and where you keep your Tanishq or PC Chandra gold.

Oh, and they also want you to pay via Jio Money and/or Paytm, and not have any cash in your fake Louis Vuitton.

[Note: In case, it’s from Kalyan jewellers and Aishwarya/Amitabh Bachchan are in your speed-dial list, then screw marriage. Just head off to Panama, baby].

Also read: Bank deposit surge may end up derailing demonetisation