Why build a wall, Donald Trump? Send them to Pakistan, or Mexico

Presidon’t Trump, how are you doing? Best? Fantastic? How’s the museum you’re living in treating you, buddy? You know, the White House. We can see you’re settling in nicely, having tuned the Oval Office into a locker-room already, signing executive orders to grab women’s pussy and then clamp it down with law. Good job, Donny. Quite excellent, we must say.

Now, about that Wall. Yes, that wall. We know you are a great builder and you have sky-crapers in India, China, Brazil, Ireland, Qatar, Israel, Egypt, Turkey, South Africa, Philippines and hell even Mexico. Have you forgotten about the buildings in Mexico, Donny? But, you want to build, as former Mexican President Vincente Fox Quesada puts it, the #Fu**ingWall, anyway, and have the Mexicans pay for it. What do you think the Mexicans are, ancient Chinese?

Listen in, Donny. You got to worry about the ratings more. Did you realise that they are falling, and now even the New York Post will not carry a raunchy frontpage on your peccadillos. They’d probably think peccadillo is a special form of dealdo of the Hispanic variety. Seriously, Donald.

Look Donald, even the Mexican president, yeah the tiny chap you were dismissing so far but who knows how to look good with none other than both Barack Obama and Justin Trudeau, yes even that guy doesn’t want to go on a date with you. You know what his name is? Do you know who Enrique Pena Nieto is? Dude, that’s NOT the guy from Narcos. Don’t confuse Pablo Escobar with Enrique Pena Nieto.

Now Donny, have you ever seen the inside of a Trump brand blazer, or an overcoat, or a pullover, or a shirt? Bet, you haven’t. You don’t wear the Trump brand, do you? Melania prefers Ralph Lauren. Ivanka filches from Donatella Versace and Dolce and Gabbana to put her own name on the stuff. But you Donald, you make do with everything that has semen-stained golden thread in it – curtains, bed sheets, upholstery.

So, let us share with you a secret. If you ever peek into the innards of a Trump brand clothing item, you’d realise that it’s either “Made in Mexico”, or “Made in Bangladesh”, or “Made in China”. How’s that for a sentimental education? Yes, even your “America First” catchphrase was made in World War II, in a cartoon precisely, and had its origin in the concerted hate campaign towards American Jewish financers. No, all Jews aren’t in Israel, even though Netayahu is your second-best friend after Putin.

See Donny, you want to have some real fun? Let’s tell you how Hillary planned to and Bill and George and Ronald and Richard had their share of fun, while pretending to be all serious about everything. You don’t build a wall, Donny, or ban visas from Muslim-majority countries where YOU don’t have business interests, yet. No, you never get THAT obvious.

Instead, you build a detention centre in a country with which you did not even have diplomatic relations for 50 years. You keep all the proven and potential weirdos there, you know the bearded guys, all the while promising to shut it down, dangling the carrot of keeping it all cool and civil and nice, while never actually doing it. In fact, you ensure circumstances to keep the detention centre merrily healthy and populated, as you make drones bomb around countries of your choice, or the choice of that very country which gave the US its biggest chance to launch its awesome War on Terror.

Rings a bell, Donny? Pay attention now. You don’t SAY that you’d ban visa and restrict visits from particular countries, especially countries with very little proven terrorism links in the US soil. Instead, you throw around the moral supremacy of American democracy to keep going about the business of “humanitarian intervention”. So, “if we bomb you, we ban you” isn’t gonna work. It will expose America as the douchebag it already is. Instead, it should be, “our war on terror will not be compromised”, or something suitably vague along that line.

Look, what happens in India, for example. Our PM, Narendra Modi, only issues very sombre warning signals to Pakistan whenever there’s a municipal or state Assembly or general election in India. He, however, never ever talks of withdrawing trade links with the neighbour!

How on earth will Indians have their favourite spice - ajwain? We talk of sending our liberals – whom we call “sickulars” – to Pakistan, but don’t much believe in barter, so have an issue when Pakistan’s liberals come over to India to make it even (and work in different creative fields). Nope, we never do anything concrete that leaves a real impact on the majority. It’s always shoot and scoot.

Now, we know that the same has been your modus operandi (you learnt that phrase now, remember to use it, with spell-check on) in shows like Celebrity Apprentice, but the White House is a different league of a reality show altogether. So, you can’t say the “media lies”. Just lie to the media. Make the CIA, the Federal Reserve, the FBI, the NSA your allies, Trump and they will help you lie smoothly and efficiently to your own citizens, while portraying you as the godsend at that. Don’t you want that, Donny?

Why do you prefer confrontation like a Jallikattu bull? It gets nasty and you rake in the mud like a porky pig. You have gotta be smoother than that Donny. Take notes from Bill and Barack. They are yours, and America’s, best friends.

Also read: When Trump called Modi, why did Arnab Goswami's name come up?

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