#TheDailyToast: Our beef with Made in India cows
Lynch the human, but save the cow. Fire pigeons out of rockets, but salute the politician. Traumatise the tiger, but boost the hotel industry. Worship ahimsa, as long as it's attracting investment. If this new Make in India campaign seems a little confused, let's assure everyone it isn't.
It works like this. Non-violence may be an epigram on a wall in California with a million likes, but see its power to stir ahimsa into a lynch mob in Dadri. It all comes down to numbers you see: More people on the internet and WhatsApp is more rumours to be spread. Why do you think we need WiFi in railway stations that barely have electricity? Of course it is a global conspiracy to blame the PM for messaging gone rogue, but you have to admit that that is the power of social media which, when a state sponsors food bans, amplifies it into the power to take offence (take Maggi, for instance and the power to sell Ramdev noodles. Just good marketing in an atmosphere that creates the right opportunity, which is what Make in India and the entrepreneurial spirit is all about and that's all we really want really).
The cow, our indigenously sacred beast, must of course be the mascot of Make in India. The cow is a four-legged animal that, thanks to Air Force personnel Sartaj, who gave his brother's life too for it, is not only safer than the two legged, but also earns more money when homeless. Don't underestimate the power of this. This is a great thing because not only will it solve our milk crisis, but when war comes with Pakistan or China or Nepal even, now increasingly disgruntled with us, we can, taking a leaf out of Telangana, stuff cows into missile launchers and fire them over Wagah. Let's be clear on what our beefs are. It's certainly not on the world eating beef, since we anyway have no issues with making money off exporting the meat of cows. Come on, this is all part of that now famous global conspiracy to malign India. Look at us, breaking bread with the world's leading beef and pork eaters. Prez Obama's primary love affair we are told is with the cheeseburger, and we have not just shaken hands once or twice, but gone around the world 28 times with countries that import beef. If this is not an effort to showcase our magnanimous spirit of tolerance, what is? All we are saying is let the cow be Made in India, and please don't eat it here. We will also fast food package, cling wrap, blast freeze it for you if you set up a production unit in India.
As honourable Union culture minister Mahesh Sharma, who takes such pains to point towards our glorious culture, points out, at least we did not rape that 17-year-old young woman. Any other mob would have. That is a given. You know, the wrong kind of mob. We had the right kind of mob. The intent of this mob was noble. It was protection of the mother, not degradation of the sister.
Ahimsa paramo dharmaha. Non-violence is the greatest religion. They are now selling it on T-shirts in California that you can wear as you tuck in to your beefsteaks. We didn't kill them. How about that?