The forbidden diary of the infamous Chhattisgarh goat
February 10, 2016
Dear diary,
I'm not going to lie, being a hardened criminal in India who is also a goat is not easy. Over the last two days, my run-in with the law has turned me into a celebrity of epic proportions - I have been covered in the national and international media, which covered with unmatched journalistic nuance the arrest following my diabolical endeavour of... grazing through a garden.
You know, dear diary, that this heinous felony was committed by me after a carefully charted blueprint and an exhaustive study of the law and order situation in the state of Chhattisgarh and the rest of the country. Foraging through my staple diet of grass, peppered with garbage and Potentially Hazardous Waste dumped by humans in my vicinity, I have oftentimes chanced upon a number of old news articles (something I also mentally file under Potentially Hazardous Waste) and that has always given me the resources I need for my research. And as I odiously scaled the wall of judge Hemant Ratre's premises to commit the atrocity of chomping on his flowers (this is not a euphemism), I was astonished at how quickly action was taken against my owner and me.
Also read - 4 hilarious memes: What the arrested Chhattisgarh goat had to say in its defence
For context, in the very same state, just a night before, journalist Malini Subramaniam of Scroll.in was harassed and intimidated when members of a newly formed group of anti-Naxal vigilantes stoned her house accusing her of being a Maoist supporter. The same network of constabulary that sprang to action to arrest me - no doubt my offence was far more severe - has refused to register her FIR. What they did instead was to question her at her residence late at night about her background and reasons for being here.
The nation seems to be outraged by this incident. I mean, even a goat (with minimal reading while scrounging around for legally consumable grass - pun intended) can tell you crimes against women almost always trigger this response from the law-and-order system.
Side note: I would have loved to hobnob with local goons from the Samajik Ekta Manch during my time in prison so I could teach them what it's like to live dangerously and commit an offence that may actually garner attention and prompt action than one against a helpless woman. Try committing a crime against men (or their well-manicured gardens), you novices!
Also read - Malini Subramaniam's ordeal shows journalists are an endangered lot in India
As I languished in the police lock-up, flailing my hind legs at remorseless outlaws who were no doubt looking to me and my badassery for inspiration and guidance, I noticed a newsflash on the television. A man who largely resembled me in face and form had previously been accused of (and found guilty by the appointed panel for) sexual harassment of a female at his workplace, TERI. In keeping with how India responds to such crimes, the man, RK Pachauri, had an entirely new designation created for him and was promoted to said position - executive vice chairman.
This breaks several rules and laws - the organisation is meant to assist the complainant with her prosecution, ensure a safe environment in the workplace, among other things.
Also read - I deserved better: TERI victim's angry letter on RK Pachauri's promotion
Many around me were outraged that a perilous goat like yours truly had been arrested and imprisoned as his brethren, who hasn't spent a single hind-leg-flailing-moment behind bars, took charge of a leading research institute in the capital. But then, as we both know, dear diary, fiendishly masticating foliage is a far more grave offence than sexual harassment.
Anyway, dear diary, I am out on bail now and my trial will take several decades. Until then, I live to see another day. To read tossed newspaper clippings and nibble on vegetation in fields effortlessly embellished with toffee wrappers and packets of chips. And to thankfully be able to catch season one of the much awaited Haryana's Next Top Cow.
To end this entry, join me in a sound that is both my war cry and how the state responds to crimes against women - meh.
Yours criminally,
Goat