How to be a successful nationalist and alienate Pakistan

Being a true nationalist can be a tough job these days. There are so many angry faces confronting you, waiting to test your nationalism on every issue they have an opinion on.

Here's a simple guide to loving India and hating everything else. Just follow these simple instructions and you will be able to call yourself a true nationalist.

Be vocal: Speak out. Express your love for the nation. Speak even when no one is listening. Show no brevity when you are speaking. Show no civility when you hammer in those words. Speak out on Twitter; troll anyone who disagrees with you. Share your nationalism on Facebook; an Indian flag as the filter of your profile picture would be a good place to start. Spread all kinds of hate messages, punctuated by your love for the nation on any medium you get your hands on. Speak out in the comments sections of news reports, opinion pieces and news videos. Use words such as "presstitute", "pakistani", "biased", "traitor", and "anti-national". Always end every sentence with a JAI HIND (in capitals, obviously).

Shout: Shout in front of television cameras. Shout during prime time, lunchtime and dinner time. Shout whenever you can. Shout regardless of the education you have received or the work you do. Personal becomes political, at least for the nation it does. Shout at people who are voiceless, they can't even reply. Shout at those who don't agree with you. Shout so much that the logical flaws in your arguments drown in the noise you make. Shout, whenever you are in doubt and surely, never stop yourself from shouting when you have convinced yourself that you are right. The nation is listening; your nationality will be measured in decibels.

Accuse: Accuse anyone and everyone, especially minorities, Dalits, LGBT, you know, those kinds of people. People whom you can't relate to, who are always crying about oppression and that kind of sh*t. Target people you hate, who are not like you, who don't follow your ideology, who raise questions about government policies. Accuse them of being anti-nationals. If anyone is not jeering at Pakistan during a cricket match, he/she is definitely an anti-national. If anyone even talks about Kashmir, anyone who even says a word about human rights issues in Kashmir or is friends with someone who does, circle them out. They are definitely anti-national. You have the right to abuse them, humiliate them and denigrate them.

Don't worry if it's not written in the Constitution, we stopped respecting the Constitution long ago. When we talk about respecting the Constitution, it's only for our benefit or for the benefit of the party we support.

Boycott: Boycott cricket matches. Boycott foreign products. Boycott artists from Pakistan. Boycott movie stars who say anything intelligent. But above all, boycott rationality. Rationality is anyways a western concept. We, the people of this nation don't need such concepts to come and contaminate our great culture. What if governments don't fulfil any of their promises? What if political parties lie and deceive all the time? What if the speeches of our leaders are full of rhetoric? Listen, at least they are Indians. They love their country and are doing the best they can. They said so themselves. But what if the farmers are dying all across the country? You sikular, leftie, feminazi, jhola chhap, must shut your mouth. It's because of you that India can't progress.

Go to War! Let's go to war! Let's start a war on poverty, patriarchy, caste oppression, state suppression, domestic violence, misogyny. Oops! Sorry, not them. We can come to that later. Anyways, they are not even real wars. By war, I mean WAR. Tanks, aircrafts, guns, bombs, soldiers, border, LOC, Sunny Paaji, Sunil Shetty, that kind of stuff. Let's go to war, with PAKISTAN. I understand, India and Pakistan are nuclear nations, they both have nuclear arsenals. But if they start using them, we can retaliate, we can be the AVENGERS. If they destroy two of our cities, we will destroy four. We are prepared to die. Let's go to war and let us DIE, all of us. This supreme sacrifice, ladies and gentlemen, would be the true testimony of our love for the nation, even if that nation ceases to exist.

Jai Hind! Jai Bharat! And of course, Saare jahan Se Accha.