Worried about Brexit? British immigrant in Delhi has a hilarious suggestion

Dear Britain,

Should you have voted to leave the EU by the time I wake up - don’t worry - I have a solution that should relieve both remainers and leavers equally. A moment comes, which comes but rarely, when we step from the old to the new… I’ve cracked the Brexit conundrum.

David Cameron needs to immediately apply for Britain to become a Union territory of the Republic of India.

Whilst historically speaking it seems only right and proper to give India a chance to rule Britain for a few hundred years - it actually makes a lot of sense for the British too.

Worried about jobs?

India’s economy is growing 4 times faster than Europe’s, and will overtake the entire EU’s sometime in the 2030s - becoming twice the size of the EU economy by 2050. In economic terms alone, every young Brit should wish to replace their garish red EU passport with a classy blue Indian one as soon as possible.

Worried about the future of the NHS?

India already provides nearly as many doctors to the NHS as the EU does - and that doesn’t even include those of Indian origin, born or educated, in Britain. 25,055 Indian vs 30,082 EU.

Worried about diversity?

With over 100 different languages spoken everyday and adherents of every religion - even Britain’s favourite materialist consumption - there truly is something for everyone here.

Worried about being understood?

English is one of India's two official languages - which will be a huge relief for all those have struggled to communicate with their continental neighbours for all these years.

Worried about not being part of something bigger?

India has more than twice the population of the EU. Half of which are under 35, so the bonus is no more worries about an ageing population.

Worried about where to go on holiday?

The Himalayas are nearly three times the height of the Alps and thousands of miles longer - there are more sandy beaches along India’s coastline than all the Costas you can dream of - and India has tropical rainforests and even a desert too!

Plenty of visa-free inter-railing adventures as well on the world’s largest railway network.

Worried about not being ruled by an unelected bureaucracy in a far-away land? We’ve got that covered as well.

Nowhere on the planet has perfected the shuffling of paper and writing of rules better than New Delhi - what’s more India’s civil servants salaries are more than 10 times lower than Brussels. Talk about getting more for less.

British MPs, the whole of Whitehall and even the royal family (subject to the return of the Ko-hii-noor) can all be pensioned off at the fast expanding and internationally renowned Best Exotic Marigold Hotel chain in Jaipur.

This would free up the Houses of Parliament, Buckingham Palace and much of Central London to become a permanent Bollywood filmset.

With more viewers than Hollywood, this is sure to help keep London’s tourist economy going - which within a decade or two will be mostly Indians in any case.

Embrace the 21st century. Swap Brussels for Delhi. Say goodbye to Little Europe and namaste to incredible India!

Yours in waiting,

An immigrant of British origin,

New Delhi, India

June 23, 2016

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Nick Booker's follow-up letter on June 27:

Dear Britain,

Given the positive response to my earlier post on Brexit, I thought I might share ten more reasons why the UK should swap Brussels for Delhi and join the Republic of India as a Union Territory.

Britain is well known for its unique and ancient "Cows, Class and Curry" culture - so we need to appreciate this wider context too.

1. It is now recognised that there is more wisdom in India’s Panchatantra than a whole library written by British political experts. Indian academics can help. They should of course begin by carefully scrutinising the infamous British class system from the subaltern perspective.

This is especially important given that more than half of current UK government ministers went to Oxford or Cambridge - and the key figures on both sides of the Brexit debate attended the Doon School of England, Eton.

With the help of local interpreters, field research work will be carried out across rural England with a special focus on the so-called "British Brahmin Belt" stretching from Windsor through Oxfordshire to the Cambridge Fens.

2. Whilst colloquially known as Britologists, these Indian academics will provide a refreshing and much welcomed outsider’s perspective. They will work from newly established "north-west European studies" departments at Indian universities.

A consensus is already emerging that it is now inappropriate to use either "UK" or "Britain" when referring to the northwest EU region prior to June 23 2016.

3. Given rising concerns about the graduate employability of Oxford University’s politics, philosophy and economics course (alumni include David Cameron, Ed Miliband, Danny Alexander, Ed Balls etc) a four-year program should be introduced with compulsory classes on Chanakyan political theory and Gandhian ethics.

The Oxbridge collegiate system can be remodelled on that of Delhi University - maybe Subramanian Swamy could be sent in on a World Bank grant to work on capacity building and curriculum development.

Through hard work and dedication Oxford could one day become the Pune of the West.

4. As Britain's engineering departments increasingly rely on Indian students to keep them going - and the Indian Institutes of Technology have graduated more entrepreneurs in recent years than any EU or UK institution - a new IIT should be established in every county of the United Kingdom.

5. Whilst British cuisine might be best known for chicken tikka masala, classes on how to cook dosas, idli, vada pav, papdi chaat and dal makhani need to be introduced. Poppadom will also revert to being called papad which will help save time when ordering.

6. Indian Railways, energy companies and banks are already working on cost-saving measures to streamline their Indian customer service management processes by moving call centre operations to the English town of Swindon. Company policy will of course require the Indianisation of first names, for example, Ashley to Aishwarya, Chris to Krishna and so on.

Accent neutralisation classes are being prepared to ensure Brits can be properly understood and Bhojpuri lessons will be offered in new Kendriya Vidyalaya Comprehensive Schools.

7. Heathrow Airport expansion can finally happen under the oversight of the Airport Authority of India who’ve demonstrated they have already have the skills to deliver world class infrastructure development in Mumbai, Delhi, Hyderabad and Bangalore.

The HS2 high-speed rail project between London and Birmingham will be taken up by the Indian ministry of railways. The London terminus will however move from King’s Cross to Southall - the service will be nicknamed the flying sikhs not just after its most frequent users but also to recognise the fact all the coaches will be made in Punjab.

8. Just to warn you... a competitive three-way bidding war is inevitable between Kerala, Tamil Nadu and Karnataka for Britain’s maritime fishing rights - with Bengalis (already rumoured to be working with Goldman Sachs) to take over Britain’s freshwater trout and salmon farms.

However, India's Raghuram Rajan could be appointed by the IMF to regulate the fish market and ensure we don’t have a "North Sea bubble" on our hands with debt fuelled Marwari speculators driving up the price of Kippers.

9. Inclusion of Britain in the government of India’s GST tax legislation will bring the UK into the new Indian single market - and centralise tax raising powers in Delhi.

In time Boris Johnson and Arvind Kejriwal will no doubt form an alliance to seek to upgrade the UK and Delhi from union territory status to full statehood - although this is unlikely in either of their lifetimes.

10. Of course should Britain somehow fail to take up my suggestion to join the Republic of India as a union territory - a "West Europe Company" perhaps led by the Ambanis - could be listed on the Bombay Stock Exchange with a charter to take advantage of the power vacuum in Britain.

Now India has one-sixth of the world’s gold, and the pound is weakening by the day, acquiring British interests is becoming increasingly affordable. The WEC control of Britain would of course only be temporary - lasting no more than a couple of hundred years.

Bonus: As for Scotland - well they only joined the Union in 1707 to get access to the English trade with India - so perhaps we’ve solved the Scottish independence problem too.

Yours in hope,

An immigrant of British Origin

New Delhi, India

June 27, 2016.

(This article first appeared on the writer's Facebook page.)