Busting common myths about domestic violence

A few weeks ago the Pakistani Islamic Council - known as CII - made the headlines when it proposed a bill that would allow men to "lightly beat" their wives, in order to punish them. Such punishment was considered acceptable for a list of transgressions that included not wearing the hijab, interacting with strangers, disobeying the husband, declining sex and so on.

Many people were outraged at the CII's views, which were seen as misogynistic and oppressive. However this kind of thinking is clearly not unique as domestic violence is prevalent across the world. Just like the CII members, perpetrators believe that they have a right to impose their will and control women through violence. Oftentimes their views are sanctioned by sections of society.

In this article, I will address some common myths around domestic violence, the reasons why many women put up with it and how you can help a victim.  The first myth about domestic violence is that it is a rare problem, which affects poor, uneducated women. In reality domestic violence is more prevalent than most realise. According to the World Health Organisation, globally almost one third (30 per cent) of women report experiencing some form of physical and/or sexual violence by their intimate partner. These women cut across race, culture, religion and economic status. They may be doctors, lawyers, business school graduates and successful women in their chosen careers. They may even be glamorous celebrities whom other women look up to.

Second, it is believed that people usually get violent due to the consumption of alcohol. This is the standard movie stereotype. While there is a correlation between alcohol and violence, many abusers use alcohol as an excuse. Drinking impairs thinking but it does not cause the violence. Battering is about power and control, and stopping alcohol is usually not enough to stop abuse.

Third, violence is seen as a one-time, isolated occurrence. In reality battering is a pattern of coercive behavior that happens over and over again and involves many tactics. These include physical violence, sexual abuse, threats, economic depravation, and isolation. It often escalates in severity.

Fourth, some assume that the victims bring the abuse upon themselves by provoking the abuser. At work I regularly come across with men who say "if she didn't make me angry I would not react" or "she triggers me". Victim blaming is an attempt to shift responsibility from the perpetrator's unlawful actions.  Violence is a conscious choice made by a person. There are multiple other ways to express anger, frustration and other emotions.

Finally, many assume that if the situation really gets out of hand, the victims can walk away. "Why can't she just leave?" is a common refrain. This view often has an element of judgement as the women who stay on despite repeated battering are labeled "stupid" or "crazy".

The reasons why women put up with abuse are complex. They involve the interplay of various practical, social and psychological factors. Many women are stuck in a hellish situation due to financial dependence, lack of housing or support, and the prospect of harming or losing their children. In addition, many lack knowledge about avenues for help, or are pitted against an unresponsive criminal justice system.

Many a time women are constrained due to cultural norms, social stigma and religious beliefs. For instance, some communities in India not only condone domestic violence but accept it as a normal part of marriage. Many traditional communities frown on divorce and stress on the need to keep the family together, come what may. In such situations, the women face tremendous social pressure, and fear isolation and ostracism.

Sometimes victims are psychologically paralysed by the cycle of abuse. They begin to believe that the battering is their fault and they don't deserve anything better. Others hang on as they think they can change the abuser.

A lot of women are also trapped by fear. In fact, the most dangerous period for an abused woman is when she tries to leave. When the abuser senses he is about to lose control, he often escalates the violence against the victim and people close to her.

Given the various constraints, when women muster the courage to speak out and seek help for physical abuse, they often don't want to end the marriage or dysfunctional relationship. They want to learn how to cope with the abuse and/or change the other person.

Dear reader, if you ever come across a woman in your family or social circle in a similar situation, kindly desist from knee-jerk diagnosis and advice. Having suffered though abuse, and the last thing she would need is shaming or lectures.

Express concern, offer emotional support, listen to what she has to say and encourage her to communicate with other people. Give her positive reinforcement as abuse has probably chipped away at her self-esteem.

If possible, help her build a social support group. Abusers often isolate victims by slowly destroying their social networks.

Provide her with relevant safety information such as local helplines in your area, details of protective orders and shelters, if she should ever need it.

However, do not try and pressurise her to leave. You may end up jeopardising her safety and make matters worse.

Finally, be patient. Self-empowerment is often a slow process and victims may need to take baby steps till they are ready to change. Empowering is not about imposing your views and beliefs on another. It means accepting another person's pace of change and choices, even though they might be at odds with your own.

Note: This article is specifically about violence against women. However it is important to state that men can also be victims of violence, although it is less prevalent.