Why a mother sexually abusing her daughter should not shock us
"Delhi University girl drags mom to court for sexual abuse," screamed the headlines. A student of Delhi University had recounted her horrific ordeal at the hands of her parents; the sexual abuse and molestation that she has had to face from her early childhood, with both parents complicit in the crime.
"I have been subjected to physical and mental torture by my parents since my childhood," said Prerna. (name changed) "At that point, I thought it was normal for parents to beat up their children. My mother used to grope me, touch my private parts and scold me endlessly. I could not understand her intentions.
Brutal
My father was an accomplice. They always stopped me from going out with my friends and participating in school and later, college activities. They used to lock me up and not send me to school for days. Only when I reached senior school, did I realise that there was something seriously perverted about my mother," she said.
The story brutalised my senses. This was a crime beyond comprehension. Cold and calculated evil. I had heard of cases of incestuous exploitation and paedophilia often involving the girl child, but a mother molesting and sexually assaulting her own daughter is icily evil. There is no other closeness in life like that between a mother and child and this is the most heinous of crimes that can dangerously erode the delicate balance of trust and maternal love. It can destroy an innocent mind and precipitate a psychotic breakdown.
Mothers are treated with the special status of godliness. They are worshiped on a pedestal and nurturing, caring, protection from them are taken for granted. But the dreadful truth is that a mother is a human being, and like any other, can reveal startling traits of violence and hatred towards their progeny.
Incest
Sexual abuse towards any child is violent and physically painful, much more if it's a parent perpetrating the act. It is the darkest facet of human behaviour and we cannot remain a society in denial, disregarding abuse from a mother to a daughter as an impossibility.
Roni Weisberg-Ross quotes in her blog the book, Mother-Daughter Incest by Beverly Ogilvie. It describes the societal view of the mother-daughter relationship: "The mother-child bond has been called the essential human connection, one that teaches us how to love and without which we cannot be whole human beings. A mother's love provides basic security, stability, nurturing, admiration, cuddling, holding and kissing, caring, and acceptance. We receive courage, a sense of self, the ability to believe we have worth as human beings, and the ability to love others as well as ourselves, from the strength of our mother's love for us when we are infants. As our first mirror of life, our mother functions as protector, guide and interpreter. And if that bond is shattered for whatever reason, it's living hell. The betrayal is savage and merciless.
The tie that exists between a mother and daughter is supported through societal values. A young girl's identification with her mother continues throughout her life, maintaining the mother-daughter relationship, while establishing her identity. As women we carry our mothers with us in every breath, every decision, every success, and every failure. Our sense of self is entwined with a sense of mother. We look to upon our mothers to be able to define ourselves as women and as daughters. There is a shared social role, a shared prescription for life, and shared philosophy. The relationship forges our image as women, with a sense of trust that our mothers bestowed.
Betrayal
One cannot overstress the significance of the mother-daughter bond and how its betrayal decimates the victim. Since mothers usually are the primary caretakers and source of nurturance for their children, especially their daughters, mixing these functions with sexual abuse leaves the survivor sickened, confused, and full of self-loathing and with no sense of her own identity. While boys may have a male figure to turn to, these girls become fused with their mothers in a dark secret that turns their world upside down."
We need to bring this form of abuse out of the shadows. We need to recognise the problem, give it a face and find an avenue for these young girls to be able to reach out for help. We need to give victims as well as adult survivors of mother/daughter incest a voice and a path to healing.
We need to get the Prernas of this world, justice and heal the scars of their souls. NOW!