Five essentials of parenting

First, you must understand that children don’t belong to you. They don’t come from you – they only come through you. You should see it as a privilege that another life passes through you. This is not the time to exercise your right of property. It is not for you to fulfil your unfulfilled dreams through your children. It is not for you to drive them or harness them in any particular way. If you could keep your children just the way they were born – an active intelligence, no conclusions – you would be doing the best thing for them. Your business is only to protect them from other influences.

Parenting involves a certain amount of discretion. There is no one standard rule for all children. Different children may need different levels of attention; expression of love; and toughness. If I were standing in a coconut grove and you asked me, “How much water per plant?,” I’d say, “at least 50 litres.” When you go home, if you give 50 litres to your rose plant, it will die. You must see what kind of plant you have in your house and what it needs. However, there are a few general parenting tips.

#1. Let them be: Let them become whatever they have to become. Don’t try to mould them according to your understanding of life. Your child need not do what you did in your life. Your child should do something that you did not even dare to think in your life.

#2. It’s the time to learn, not teach: The moment a child arrives, a whole lot of parents think it is time to teach. No, it’s the time to learn! I ask you a simple question: if your child is below ten, who is more joyful – you or the child? The child is more joyful. Then who should be a consultant for life – the miserable one or the joyful one?

#3. Children are naturally spiritual: Children are very close to a spiritual possibility; if only they are not meddled with. Generally, somebody or the other meddles with them too much. Create an atmosphere where the child is encouraged to grow into his intelligence rather than into your identity of religion; he will become naturally spiritual without even knowing the word "spirituality".

#4. Make yourself truly attractive: A child is influenced by so many things – TV, neighbours, teachers, school and a million other things. He will go the way of whatever he finds most attractive. As a parent, make yourself the most attractive thing he finds. If you are a joyous, intelligent and wonderful person, he won’t seek company anywhere else. He will come to you.

#5. Be happy: Finally, if you want to bring up your child well, you need to be happy. When tension, anger, fear, anxiety and jealousy are the only things demonstrated, what is going to happen to him? If you intend to bring up your child well, you should change yourself to a loving, joyous and peaceful being. If you are incapable of transforming yourself, where is the question of bringing up your child?

Everyone who wishes to be a parent must do one simple experiment. Sit down and see what is not okay with your life – not about the world outside, but about yourself. Something about yourself – your own behaviour, speech, modes of action and habits - if you can alter that in three months, then you would be able handle your child also with wisdom.

If you are genuinely interested in giving your children a good upbringing, first transform yourself into a peaceful and loving human being.