This Mother's Day, I don't just want the roses

When I think of my mother, I feel a sudden surge of calm enveloping my soul. I never heard her raise her voice or lose her calm even during the most trying times that I gave her as a naughty child. A gold medallist in English literature, she was hired as a lecturer by a reputed government institution at a time when women were married off at the age of 15. She was highly qualified and talented, but still slogged day and night in a joint family. Domestic helps were not allowed inside the kitchen, so the woman of the house had to fill in for them, even if it meant cooking for 20 people.

In those days, a woman's status in the family, her career prospects and happiness entirely depended on her luck. If she got a loving husband and good in-laws like my mother did, she could study and work - if not, she had to spend the rest of her life inside the depressing four walls, bearing children and serving her family. Three decades later, the scenario remains much the same for mothers. I say mothers, not women, who have definitely come a long way from being child-bearing commodities to educated and free thinking individuals. As per the latest census, over 55 per cent of the women in our country are educated now and we also have the largest number of professionally qualified women in the world.

Why is it then that only three to four per cent of legislative, management, and senior official positions are held by women here?

I always wondered as a junior intern in a big media house that I worked for, why is it that there's not a single middle-aged woman working in any department. Now I know as a mother - they buckled under pressure and quit.

In India, a whopping 48 per cent women drop out of the workforce before they reach the middle of their careers!

Family pressure: But who stops mothers from working, becoming successful and achieving the dreams they nurtured as students? Parents, in-laws, husbands, kids, or is it just them? Mommy hormones or the chemical locha: When a mother is born, the enthusiastic career woman dies, mostly. One look at the tiny little face, and you are ready to give up a world full of glory! The social and cultural milieu that makes an Indian woman, and the genes that define her fill her with a plethora of emotions, making it impossible for her to make a decision in favour of the job that meant so much to her just a couple of weeks ago.

Lack of willingness to work: Almost everyone would love to stay at home and laze around if given a choice. And most women in India have that choice. They are traditionally looked upon as homemakers and the onus of earning for the family rests with the man of the house. So why take pains to do otherwise? After all, the kids need her! 

Nuclear families: Who will care for the baby is the question that forces most women to take the decision to stay at home. Nannies and crèches are expensive and can be unsafe for the little one. Joint families no longer exist, so mothers are left with little choice. But I often wonder, were joint families completely safe for kids? Have we not heard stories of sexual exploitation by cousins, uncles and aunts? 

Social pressure: I'm sick of the sympathetic glances from friends and neighbours, when I return home at night after picking up my baby from his crèche. "You come so late! Who looks after him? Poor child" and so on. It makes me feel like a monster mommy at a time when I would like to hear a few comforting words after a long, tiring day at work. People in India are ready to judge you as a mother if you go to office leaving your child behind with a caregiver. But no one will appreciate you for the brave effort of handling the dual responsibilities of work and home.

It's a mother's job: From giving birth to changing nappies, helping with homework and cooking nutritious food, everything is a mother's job. Managing the house and taking care of old parents also fall within her responsibilities, along with the full-time job. Is she a superwoman? 

Food and male ego: It is expected of a woman to study the same curriculum as her male counterparts, pass the same examination, work for equal number of hours and deliver a matching output. So why can't a man do the same at home? Cook food, clean, look after kids, buy grocery and manage the kitchen like women do. They are not taught to cook because it's not their job and they would not do it because they are men. So women will do the work that men do, but men won't. I wonder, is it ego or incapacity!

A just working environment: In the garb of treating men and women on par, organisations often end up being harsh to women. She has to do the same amount of work as men, she is given "equal opportunities", and she is provided with no special privilege because the organisation does not differentiate between men and women. But do men menstruate, bleed profusely and feel painful cramps three to five days a month? Do they have to go home and cook, take care of kids, wash and clean, and most importantly, do they suffer from physical changes before and after pregnancy? Do they give birth?

And for all the suffering and pain that a woman has to undergo, she is forced to leave her three-month old baby and come back to work because our government thinks 96 days are enough for a newborn to become independent! Also, she is not allowed any flexibility in working hours.Whoa! So much justice for mothers in a country which is dubbed as a Matridesh, a mother land. No wonder we worship the mother goddess, because working women in India truly define Durga, with her multi-tasking hands.

My mother is no more. I often feel she could have lived a few more years had she not worked so hard to build a perfect life for her family. In taking care of our daily needs, comforts and education, how often she ignored her own, I wonder.

A bunch of roses, a card and a handful of chocolates is not enough to show thankfulness towards mothers who work really hard to strike a balance between home and office.

A little help, some understanding and a bit of support can make a woman keep her job and live her dream. Before judging her as a mother, employee, wife or daughter, just think once - does this woman have no right to fulfil her glittering dreams just because she is handling more than she can manage? After all, she is burning her lamp at both ends to make it bright for you! To echo Edna St. Vincent Millay:

• My candle burns at both ends;
• it will not last the night;
• but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends
• it gives a lovely light!