What is it like to be inside the head of a schizophrenic?
It’s hard to look away from Reshma Valliappan. Her intense eyes, multiple piercings, tattoos and lilting voice are attention grabbers. This schizophrenic activist-painter is in the news for her recently released book Fallen, Standing: My life as a Schizophrenist, which chronicles her experiences of living with mental illness. Reshma was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia at age 22, after a tumultuous childhood and adolescence. Living with a disordered mind was a hellish experience, especially since no one around her understood or empathised with her condition. Drug and alcohol addiction and issues of sexual identity jostled with multiple voices, delusions of being chased and hallucinations, which made it almost impossible for her to function normally. This account of her life has been constructed from a series of emails sent by Reshma to her publisher, explaining its chaotic and somewhat confusing structure.
Still, this doesn’t detract from her stark narrative about her experience of mental illness. Rebellion and anger are reflected in every line. Her life as a schizophrenic or "schizophrenist" as she puts it, has been a nightmare for the most part. Paranoid schizophrenia is a kind of schizophrenia or brain dysfunction, in which a person has delusions that someone is plotting against them or members oftheir family. Auditory hallucinations or voices, delusions, anxiety and suicidal tendencies are some symptoms.
Lack of knowledge, understanding and empathy can be blamed for the insensitive treatment accorded by society to those with such psychiatric disorders. Being female makes matters worse, since aggressive and moody behaviour makes it impossible to be a “nice” girl. As Reshma writes, “The very fact that there is a schizophrenic in the family entailed not being invited to many functions or gatherings. Several friends stopped wanting to have anything to do with us. I had to ask: ‘Am I that bad and horrible a person?’ Why won’t they talk to me?”
For Reshma, being schizophrenic has meant making sense of her own diagnosis and finding ways to live with it.
“Everything you do, say and think becomes a symptom,” she says. Medication didn’t work for Reshma, since it dulled her senses and stole her inner voice, so she sought relief in alternate therapies such as painting. Existing beyond the label has been, and continues to be her challenge.
Today Reshma considers herself an advocate for mental health, and is the founder of The Red Door, which uses the social media platform to address issues of mental health and disability. Personal accounts of mental illness are valuable in increasing awareness and enabling a better understanding for the general public. A book that has transformed the way we view mood disorders is An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison. One of the foremost authorities on bipolar illness, Jamison courageously examines the disease from the vantage point of the patient and therapist, providing a wealth of information to the reader.
Some conclusions are that there’s no single treatment for any kind of mental illness, and every person diagnosed with one needs a unique combination of medications and therapies to feel well. It is naïve to assume that a person with mental illness has ever “recovered” completely, like saying someone with cancer has been “cured.” That’s precisely why we need to regard Reshma’s declaration that she has "recovered" with some caution. She may have gained better control over her symptoms, but this doesn’t mean she doesn’t have schizophrenia any more.
Giving up medication and riding the waves of her mania may work for her, but this doesn’t mean that hers’ is the course of action to emulate. What we can learn from her, however, is to have the courage to trust our instincts and find our own solutions.