Are Indian gay men better off in the closet?

I am 30 years old and there is one truth about being gay that I have increasingly come to accept: If you are an out gay man in India, there will come a time when you will ask yourself if you did the right thing by coming out.

Most men who come out in their 20s - I belong to this group - think the world of themselves, perhaps rightly so. They have done something which takes a lot of guts. But by doing so, they have also shot themselves in the foot by closing all doors to their re-closeting.

By the time they reach 30, their politics will not be as stringent as it once was. They will have realised that the new world order they had hoped to usher with their coming out has not materialised. Rather, they find that they keep stalking seedy websites in the search for that one true connection, or lacking that, a quick hook-up.

They will realise another thing: those among their friends who never came out are now marrying women and settling into happy married lives. Maybe the sex they have is not great but they are, after all, gay men so they actually have (mostly) great relationships with their wives. Plus - a big, big plus: they have children. Some of the wives may even know how their husbands turn but in the interest of marital harmony those conversations don't come up often.

Yes, there is always the odd case that does not end well, as the suicide of Priya Vedi attests. But there are many more cases that do end well. Unfortunately, the converse for the out gay guy is not nearly true. While there is that one gay guy who continues to remain happy with his out status, there are many, many more who wonder why they bothered.

I discussed this state of affairs with an American trans friend and she said to me: "I think being gay in India sounds a lot like being trans here, and even though I am much older than you, I have the same thoughts and doubts. But going back is impossible, so all I can do is try to take one step at a time and trust in God."

I am not necessarily talking about going back here, since I understand, and perhaps even subscribe to, this modern fixation with living one's truth. I know that I needed to become this person steeped in the politics of my movement to retain a sense of togetherness about myself. I have proclaimed to myself these rabidly fiery views so that they make me more evolved and take me closer to the heart of the gay instinct. But happiness? That is a different thing. Being closer to oneself is not always happiness-making.

An out gay friend disagrees: "I don't think gay men in India are better off staying in the closet. I take exception to projecting us homosexuals in India as victims. The truth is that social norms and attitudes are only part of the reason we are unable to hold onto relationships. For people like us who are out to our family and friends the problem is that we have become too demanding. We believe that we are entitled to a made-to-order super human who satisfies us in every possible way because of the struggles we have faced and continue to face to gain acceptance and legitimacy. The problem here is that we have willfully blindfolded ourselves."

I have heard this plaint from other gay men. That perhaps the problem is not with them but with us. That gay men, of all people, should be less judgmental about who they can be with. That they ought not to post stuff such as: "Looking for 'straight-acting' men" or "No fats or fems please". Sure, but among gay men this need for an alpha partner does not exist in a body-shaming, discriminatory vacuum. It stems from their longings, their long-delayed quests to find a partner. They embellish him with every desirable trait until he becomes an unachievable ideal. The ideal becomes a dreamy, painless space where they can escape their reality. I would not be too quick to blame them for their politically incorrect standards.

I do think this is a generation thing. Perhaps the generation after mine will come out even earlier than we have and will have fewer neuroses to deal with. But the India of today is nowhere close to that ideal. Forget the law, which criminalises us. Due to social conventions, most gay men themselves are extremely homophobic and are uncomfortable with the idea of revealing themselves. This turns out to be vicious cycle in which you remain in the closet because you know the ones who are out have had it rather bad.

So yes, people of my generation whom I asked that we stay back here and try and change the situation on the ground: That is a noble thought but it would mean sacrificing your life and your happiness to work on a project that has no real gains, at least not in the foreseeable future, which is where our most cherished hopes for ourselves reside. Better to pack your bags and head to other shores, if you can. Or if you are still in the closet, stay there and find yourself a nice person to settle down with.