When Trump called Modi, why did Arnab Goswami's name come up?
At 11.30pm IST, or 1pm EST, the newly-anointed 45th President of the United States will be in a telephonic hotline with Indian PM Narendra Modi.
The fifth global leader to receive this unique honour (after all, there are 198 countries in the world, and all of them have telephonic connection, if not smartphone penetration), it's natural that our PM will be anxious, hopeful and even ecstatic at the prospect of moving on from a non-committal Barack to the opulently obnoxious Donald.
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| When Trump dialled Modi. |
Since "access journalism" has suffered a premature death, only very secret channels know exactly what the conversation is going to be. Of course, we at DailyO have access to everyone and everybody worth following on Twitter. We bring you the uncensored and unedited transcript of the inaugural official Trump-Modi phone call:
Tring... tring...
Modi: Hi ya Donny!
Trump: Umm, hi there, Prime Minister Narrrr..... Mudeee!
Modi: Chill Donny, call me Mods. But not "champ" okay? Piers Morgan has screamed to everyone that you called him "champ". Going by secret service intel, he's the next British PM, and we must cultivate him.
Trump: Mudeee, gee! Really? I have thing scheduled with that old pussycat. What's her name?
Modi: May, maybe?
Trump: May yeah! What should I tell her? Barack said he's not going to tell me much because I'm messing with Obamacare!
Modi: I know. Before I became the PM, I secretly gave Barack the idea of naming his biggest work after himself. So that I could do that in India without a problem.
Trump: Oh okay, well tough luck Mudee.
Modi: Chill Donny, I have the Shivaji statue coming up. I'm cool. But you know, in Tamil Nadu...
Trump? Er, what?
Modi: Tamil Nadu .. it's south India.
Trump: Er, what?
Modi: It's where those software tech guys come and take away your American jobs...
Trump: Mexico?
Modi: Donny, look at the freaking map!
Trump: Er, I AM looking at it. This is the map given to me by Shalabh Kumar of Hindu Republican Coalition. It says Akhand Indiamerica.
Modi: Oooh nice! Can you WhatsApp me the pic? I'll use it in my next Madison Square Garden pep talk to NRIs.
Trump: MRIs? Why would you need that?
Modi: NRIs, Donny. Non-Resident Indian troll army I have employed to pique Indian sickulars.
Trump: LOL Mudee. You need a troll army? Look at me, I do it all by myself.
Modi: ROFL, Donny. I know all about golden showers, okay? Saw the tape. Putin has shared it with me and Erdogan. Defence deals.
Trump: What deals? I'm rolling back NATO. It's America First.
Modi: ROFL Donny. Over here, we have India First. It's my favourite TV show?
Trump: Why? Is it like Celebrity Apprentice?
Modi: It's awesome. But the channel criticises me a lot. The press sucks.
Trump: We need Alt-Press, yeah? I'm tweeting it out, after Spicer spices it up a bit. You know, spell-check.
Modi: I'll be "honoured"??
Trump: Why?
Modi: Chill Donny.
Trump: I like you Mudee. You should come over to Trump Towers and have a Trump beef steak.
Modi: Shhh, Donny! RSS guys will kill me if they hear you talk of beef. They are annoyed because Tam Brams want to bullsh*t me, and Tamil Mozlems are cheering them on. It's a mess.
Trump: Mozlems are bad. I'll eliminate ISIS.
Modi: Chill Donny.
Trump: But you should come over to Trump Towers. Really, Ivanka and Melania will be happy to shake a leg with you.
Modi: Donny, you're forgetting you are in the White House now. There's no discotheque. At least, Barack never showed me one.
Trump: Barack never shows me anything. I miss Trump Towers. I miss taco bell.
Modi: I miss RSS camp in Nagpur, sometimes. I get it Donny.
Trump: Mudee, you are fantastic. You are the best. You are my new BFF. Oh shucks, don't tell Putin about it.
Modi: Chill Donny. Watch Arnab Goswami, he'll be back soon.
Watch: