Who’s that dolt? 10 things Suhel Seth is, 5 things he is not

Suhel Seth who? - asked a lot of people peeved at the marketing man’s arrogance in ignorance. He did not only not recognise star hockey player Viren Rasquinha, but went ahead and insulted him at a public debate where both of them were panellists. This is what happened as a panel of speakers discussed the future of sports. After the Arjuna Award winner Rasquinha spoke from the dais, it was Suhel’s turn. The man was pure platinum in humiliating the three-time gold medallist: "I don't know what that bald guy was doing on a panel on sport. What’s he done to be on this panel?"

Some time ago, tennis star Maria Sharapova really got it from us Indians when she was blunt enough to have admitted to not knowing Sachin Tendulkar. "Admitted to" because not knowing Sachin is a crime in India. But God is most forgiving. Sachin said it’s normal for 70 per cent of the world to not know him, because the only cricket 70 per cent of the world is familiar with is an insect. Matter closed.

In case of Rasquinha, it was a double-barrel attack. Most Indians could outrage about Suhel Seth not recognising Rasquinha, because they believe all hockey players look like Dhanraj Pillay. If you asked them to identify Rasquinha from an album full of filmstars, they would identify Hemant Birje as Rasquinha. Even Rasquinha knows the state of our national sport, and might have easily forgiven Suhel. But a man with a full mop of hair calling you a baldie is unpardonable. The correct term is "follically-challenged". The 34-year-old hockey player didn’t like this unkind cut.

“It's so disappointing when I am invited to speak and get dissed on stage by a guy who doesn't even know who I am. I really do wonder though how Suhel Seth holds forth on everything under the sun and what exactly is his domain expertise,” he tweeted. The audience at the debate and Viren blasted him on Twitter, a much wider platform Suhel Seth uses mainly to call politicians dolts. "Dolt" is a word now hardly used to describe "stupid". Suhel Seth gets the credit for infusing new life into this forgotten word that he uses as a synonym for Sanjay Jha. The month began with the man famous for putting others in place put in place by a government officer.

And hardly a week later, the man who is generally toasted for being the man generally toasted, got, what he called, roasted on Twitter.

“Love the roasting I am getting on Twitter. Deservedly even though I had apologised on Twitter and written to Viren,” he tweeted, hardly sheepishly.

His apology tweeted to the organisers of the debate read: “Am deeply sorry that I don’t know who VIREN was and he has truly been a stellar sportsman and served Indian Hockey admirably!”

That did not stop the barrage of tweets that read: Who’s Suhel Seth? Most addressed to Suhel Seth asking a simple question: Who are you?

So here’s a list of ten things he is

1. Suhel Seth is an expert. Notice the period.

2. He is also a marketing maven. If you know the word maven, he’s marketed himself well as one. He has also marketed himself as an expert.

3. He loves debating and TV provides a platform for him to indulge in his school day's passion. He has founded both the Calcutta and Delhi Debating Societies. He has found two successful businesses as well.

4. He is single. He is really popular among the social set because of his brains and turns of phrase. He has a massive Twitter following and uses it to help friends and the needy. People who want to run down businesses/brands, mention him in their tweets. He’s, however, selective about what kind of damnation he retweets.

5. He tweets about hotels he’s staying in and airlines he is flying in. His tweets help businesses. His tweets against Jet Airways are not blamed for Jet Airways’ condition today, but can be credited for the impeccable service standards they have for Passenger Suhel Seth.

6. Suhel Seth is an Amritsar boy at heart, who grew up in Calcutta. He calls Pritish Nandy his uncle. Pritish Nandy calls him uncle, not because Suhel wrote an Agony Uncle column in a Kolkata newspaper and was notorious for being wantonly rude to people in agony. Once his comments about a special child drove people to label him "Offensively Insensitive". He looked into his pocket and didn’t find a damn to give.

7. Suhel Seth is a right-leaning commentator in TV debates. When he is holidaying or working in faraway lands, TV studios know how to reach a camera to him so that he can call politicians dolts and generally chew other panellists. The little-known detail about his TV appearances is that he is always on the TV anchor’s side.

8. He loves theatre, has done theatre, and will do films for friends. He did Rog for the Bhatts. Irrfan Khan beat him to pulp. You haven’t heard of the film? Not your fault. He worked in Guzarish for Sanjay Bhanshali. He did well. The film did not. Then he had a cameo in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara.

9. Suhel Seth loves partying. He, however, will not call himself a socialite or Page 3 person. He prefers bon vivant, because a French word has more respect in the party circuit where people regularly murder English without knowing it. He parties mostly in New York and London, where he practises stiffening the upper lip.

10. He is the only social climber who gladly shares the secrets to help ambitious climbers. For a small price. He wrote the bestselling book Get to the Top: The Ten Rules for Social Success. He has written two other books. He is also a popular columnist.

Five things Suhel Seth is not

1. Suhel Seth is not an expert, as TV debates caption him. He doesn’t claim he is one. He is ready to bash people on TV. There are experts and there are people ready to bash people on TV, but articulation is not their strength. An opportunity to display the strength of articulation is one of Suhel Seth’s weaknesses.

2. No relation to the wildly famous Seth Brothers of Bhavnagar, the makers of the most popular laxative powder in India. The Bhavnagar guys are famous nationwide because constipation is a nationwide problem. On the contrary, Suhel is the opposite of anal-retentive.

3. Suhel Seth loves bashing others. He doesn’t like being bashed. Once a critic reviewed his book and it didn’t exactly sound like praise. Seth went so medieval on him on Twitter that he deleted his own tweets. They were very damaging, to his own image.

4. Suhel Seth is not a bipartisan outrage machine. He does make it sound like he can throw that dolt bomb at any politician, but he chooses his targets carefully, however casual it may look. He loves Modi.

5. The Harvard-returned Suhel Seth accepts degrees. A dubious university did confer one on him and he gladly attended the ceremony to accept the doctorate. He returned it after being told there was a "catcher in the Rai", thus proving he is not doltish enough to keep it on the shelf.