Your horrorscope for September, 2016
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
You got into the business of manufacturing pepper spray because you wanted to help women while also making some money on the side. However, with rape rates declining, you are left with a huge stock. A little part of you now wants there to be more rapes just so you can get rid of these pepper spray cans. You are a horrible person and a terrible businessman.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You’re so vain, you probably think this astrological reading is about you.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
On September 5, you will do something so significant that it could potentially change the rest of your life. Your whole life has been leading up to this one moment. This one action of yours will have far reaching consequences.
On September 5 at 1.42pm, you will switch to Reliance Jio and break a coconut at the neighbourhood temple. On September 7, you will switch back to the Airtel connection you’ve always hated because at least it works.
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| Like a boss. |
Taurus (April 21 - May 20)
There’s a feeling you get when you look to the west, and your spirit is crying for leaving. In your thoughts you have seen rings of smoke through the trees, and the voices of those who stand looking. Ooh, it makes you wonder. Ooh, it really makes you wonder.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
No one is going to read your 728 product reviews on Amazon, you absolute mental case. If you had put this much effort into finishing your book, then you could be India’s next Durjoy Datta. Actually, never mind what I just said. Just keep writing your stupid reviews because India doesn’t need another Durjoy Datta.
Cancer (June 21 - July 20)
Not only is there no God, but try finding a parking spot in Haus Khaz village on Friday.
Leo (July 21 - August 20)
You don’t have a drinking problem. You just like to have a nice beer when you wake up and a couple of nice, stiff Bloody Marys for lunch. And is there a better way to watch the sunset than with four-five whiskey sours and some cigarettes?
A bottle of wine for dinner is just what the doctor prescribed when you were growing up in Russia. What? You are not Russian? In that case, you definitely have a drinking problem.
Virgo (August 21 - September 20)
Hey Jude, don’t take it bad. Take a bad song and make it better. Unless it’s a song by Anu Malik in which case break the CD, piss on it and kick it into a bonfire.
Libra (September 21 - October 20)
On September 21, you will have pav bhaji to celebrate your birthday because you are a cheapskate. You will share your constructive criticism with the vendor and tell him that you rate his dish a three out of ten, because while the bhaji was adequately glazed with butter and garnished with coriander, its mirepoix flavour was compromised by the excessive infusion of garlic.
He will slap you thoroughly before your lady friend. You are not a food critic. Stop watching Masterchef because it’s turning you into an unbearable moron.
Scorpio (October 21 - November 2)
On September 9 at 7.26 pm, your bodies will come closer and closer until you are all in this together. Your face so close to theirs. Suddenly, two more people rub up close to you. Now it’s a foursome.
As your sweaty bodies lean on each other and makes you wonder when you felt like this, a female voice says, "Please stand away from the doors. Next station is Janakpuri East."
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| Please mind the gap. |
Sagittarius (November 21 - December 20)
As you wait for Badshah’s latest music video to load on YouTube, you suddenly remember that thing you saw on National Geographic about the Big Freeze and how the universe will grow so big in the future that the supply of gas will be too thin for stars to form.
All existing stars will eventually burn out leaving only black holes behind. Eventually these too will evaporate as the universe gets ever colder, leaving nothing behind. You wonder if Badshah will be releasing new music videos when that happens.
Capricorn (December 21 - January 19)
It’s been two-and-a-half years, but you still haven’t heard from HarperCollins Publishers regarding the manuscript you submitted about time-travelling robots going back to Ayodhya 9,000 years ago to see if Lord Rama was really born there.
Surprisingly, they haven’t offered you a publishing deal yet. Maybe while you wait for their reply, you can finish that play you’re writing about the Jain serial killer who kills dentists every year on Mahavir Jayanti.