5 foods that should be banned in India
I have just seen Domino's ChocoPizza ad and it has already left a bad taste in my mouth. Rocky and Mayur, once my favourite foodies, have also fallen two notches in my eyes for endorsing this mash-up of bad food porn.
I am sure they didn't eat this dark-chocolate-topped pizza like Shah Rukh Khan doesn't use Lux soap. They have inflicted this idiocy on the impressionable Indian for a few dollars and that's bad enough. This pizza will soon become popular because all kinds of obscenities and Swami Om are popular in this country.
Indians with money will eat cat poo if it's sold on premium with toppings that sound exotic and foreign, hard to spell and impossible to pronounce. Indians with not enough money will eat cat poo because they are hungry. That's the perversion we have perpetuated since Independence and it's peaking now. Here are five things Indians should stop being crazy about:
1) Mash-ups: Let us not mix food like we mix drinks. Mixed drinks often lead to involuntary regurgitation (LIIT, anyone?) The same happens with food. You don't put chocolate on pizza, period. We have had enough of Chinese dhokla, Punjabi chowmein, chilli paneer, paneer dosa and chicken dosa; let us not infect food that are all right without intervention. As if chocolate fried chicken wasn't the pits, I was recently introduced to tandoori momos. I know Indians will eat a dung cake if you brought it out of a tandoor and poured hot chocolate over it. Fusion food? Read the first two letters, that!
2) Tex Mex: Mexican food is quite like Indian food. No wonder Mexicans were called Indians. The original Mexicans ate human hearts while they were still beating, when they felt really devotional and sacrificed a couple of hundred human beings to their gods. But cannibalism aside, wrapping roti around half-cooked sabzi/meat and wrapping that wrap in a paper that has Mexican names doesn't justify the price they charge. But we would eat tortilla and pronounce both the Ls, so bring on the quesadilla and let me say cheese for that selfie. Also, dear Mohit, mojito is your name with an O you will never really experience. And jalapeños are here, so no need to go jaa-laa-penos.
3) Donuts: We were not a donut nation. Till Mad Over Donuts and Dunkin invaded our malls and bazaars. Sugar on sweet bread is not sweet at all. And it's not a dessert either. We are the country of sweets. Complex, creative, a flurry of flavours. We had chhappan bhog when the West learnt to bake, and stew was the only cuisine. So throw that round thing with the hole with sugar, syrup or chocolate all over it.
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4) Capsicum: It's a mirch without heat, so they call it shimla mirch. Even Shimla is hot now because of this monstrosity. This green pepper-pretender has no taste and a nasty smell and it has infiltrated the average Indian kitchen. Together with rajma, the horse-feed version of the petite mah of mah ki daal, it has been tormenting our traditional cuisine. Rajma, however, has some taste in life, unlike capsicum, which is in bed with everything from potato to pizza dough.
5) Soya chaap: Ever been to a soya restaurant in Delhi? They have all the knockoffs of chicken recipes. Soya is the vegetarian’s chicken. If you drool over chicken tikka, go get some chicken tikka. Stop substituting your desire because your grandfather disapproves or it’s Tuesday. These are the people who remain in the closet, marry the girl of their parent’s choice and have kids. Meet your body’s lust for meat, because soya is nothing like it. Jaago grahak jaago.
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