Short, biting letters to Arnab, Smriti, Modi and others
The BJP government has made me very, very tired.
Every other day I have to stand up with someone or the other who has been persecuted by some union minister or the other. Not that I mind standing with fellow Indians, mind you, but it’s terribly exhausting.
It’s sad that there are more hor’ble ministers in the BJP than hon’ble ministers. I do wish they would stop this relentless persecution so that the nation can lie down in peace instead.
Over the past few months, I have wanted to write long and passionate open letters to several terribly important people, but I’m too weary to do that too. See, it’s not easy to write while you’re standing. However, I must get the message across, so I’ve jotted down the gist. Here goes:
Dear Arnab,
Your Boss Man’s brief was lost in translation. He wanted you to do a Make-in-India version of Fox News, but what you’ve delivered is Weasel News. And, as the song goes, "Pop goes the weasel!" Yeah, we don’t lurve you anymore.
I mean, terrorising children by calling them terrorists, airing doctored tapes to implicate students, and calling people like me anti-national – for shame! I’ll have you know that I have a national flag on my desk. It’s parked in my pen-stand and yes, I know you’re going to call me anti-national again because it’s not the size Smriti Irani specified, but I don’t care. I don’t need a patriotism certificate from anybody, thank you.
PS: The nation wants to know why you aren’t wearing flared khaki shorts over your trousers?
PPS: Pop goes the weasel! Pop goes the weasel! Pop goes the weasel!
***
Dear Smriti,
Congratulations – you have made Yale extremely proud. They managed to teach you the complete works of Cicero and Shakespeare in just three days! You are the best student ever. No wonder the Dear Leader made you Union HRD minister. I do hope your remarkable achievement will be mentioned in Yale brochures.
PS: You’re a far better actress than Hema Malini. Keep it up!
PPS: Look forward to a non-fiction book by you called "Smother India".
***
Dear Dear Leader,
How are you? You have been silent for a while so I assume that you still feel the acute pain Rohith Vemula’s mother is going through. You told us just how upset you were, remember? I wrote to let you know that Rohith’s mother is now in Delhi seeking justice for her son. I’m sure you’d be by her side roaring for justice too, if you didn’t have laryngitis.
Take ten Patanjali Tulsi Ghan Vati throat lozenges daily – that may cure you. Get well soon!
PS: Your current soap is making you shrink. Do switch to Patanjali Ojus Mint Tulsi Body Cleanser.
***
Dear Arun,
Great Budget. I had absolutely no idea you were such a big fan of the Congress party!
PS No, seriously! You sure had us fooled when you used to trash MNREGA, Aadhar, etc before your party came to power.
***
Dear ABVP members,
My apologies. I used to think all of you were dirty, rotten scoundrels and you really can’t blame me. The thing is, I’ve seen you running to the BJP with cries of, "Mummy! Mummy! Send the police! Send OB vans from your friendly news channels asap! Our fellow students are saying mean things about you." Tattling, chee!
And what’s with the lies, dudes? I mean, you get hospitalised for appendicitis but whine to the media that you were beaten up by political rivals. You enjoy playing cry baby, don’t you?
However, ever since three of your JNU members resigned in disgust after your latest tattling spree, I’ve had to revise my opinion. Not all of you are rotten to the core – tragically, it’s the decent ones who leave and the rotters that stay behind.
PS: I have a tiny national flag fluttering on my desk as I type this, so scram, scat, shoo!
Sincerely,
Rupa Gulab