Letter of thanks to the disgraceful Abu Azmi

Dear Abu Azmi,

It was most refreshing to come across your thoughts on the supposed "mass molestation" that took place in Bengaluru on New Year's Eve. As I saw you open your mouth and shut it and open it again, I thought to myself: "Now there's a man who understands the place of women in modern society." Sir, I have to salute your bravado for not giving in to these libtards and feminazis who think they can just walk around like they are living in a free country or something.

In wake of the attack, Karanataka home minister G Parameshwara faced some backlash for saying that the victims had it coming because, "they try to copy the West, not only in their mindset but even in their dressing. So some disturbance, some girls are harassed, these kind of things do happen".

Not to be outdone, you said: "In these modern times, the more women are naked, the more they are considered fashionable. If my sister or daughter stays out beyond sunset celebrating December 31 with a random man who is not her husband or brother, that's not right... if there's gasoline, there will be fire. If there's sugar, ants will come."

Sir, I have been a fan of yours since 2014 when you said, "any woman, whether married or unmarried, goes along with a man, with or without her consent, should be hanged". I completely support you because even I hate logic. I agree with you that rape victims should be punished. Let's bring back Sati and make it compulsory for all women who leave home after 8pm (we anyway need more alternative fuels because diesel/petrol is becoming expensive under NDA rule). You often remind women that they would be killed in Saudi Arabia. At times, I'm confused whether you are defending Indian or Saudi Arabian culture but then I tell myself that it's the beautiful thought that counts and not its direction.

I think you are just the kind of person I would like to have a beer with (oops, my bad, how about coffee instead? Rooh Afza?). Sir, remember when you were young? I bet you couldn't keep the ladies away and they must have swooned on hearing your incredible thoughts.

These women are twisted creatures. For example, when I was in college I was busy falling in love with this one girl in my class. When she smiled at me, mother promise, I was feeling electrocution all over my body. But for some reason my sweetheart fell in love with an idiot who was riding Royal Enfield motorcycle and smoking ganja and singing "Sweet Home Alabama" on wooden guitar (bloody naxalite would never play Sweet Home Kanpur!). He was not even a Brahmin like myself. All these kinds of girls and boys should be punished.

Our culture is the best culture. Sir, these foreigners from London and Indians who live in Bandra West or Hauz Khas are thinking that one should be free-spirit and all it seems. They wear hot pants even in winter (I shiver if I don't have my jacket). What are young boys to do when these girls are wearing all short clothes? Who amongst us hasn't sexually assaulted someone at a party? How else is one supposed to bring in a new year? Like that Jesus is always saying, "only those who are not doing sin are given permission to throw rocks".

All these feminists are not understanding that this was a crime of passion. These men are passionate people. Mulayam Singh Yadav, your leader at Samajwadi Party, had said in the past that "boys will be boys" and that it is "impossible for four men to rape a woman". From what I understand, the only "crime" of such boys is that they are passionate with women who didn't want their passion.

Sir, you may remember how sometime back these libtards and presstitutes laughed at a khap panchayat just because it said that rape is caused by chowmein. Have you ever been to the little-known Full On Ding Dong Fun restaurant in Calcutta's Tangra district? Whenever I eat chowmein there I get the urges to follow women home. Once I ordered their spring rolls and couldn't stop watching that 50 shades of Grey film (I think they use too much soy sauce or something). That Bruce Lee fellow even made a movie called Enter the Dragon. I think you know what I mean.

Sir, am I just supposed to just mind my own business when women are coming home late, smoking, drinking and wearing what they want? Sure, I also come home late, smoke, drink and wear what I want. But I am a man, Sir. Why can't these women understand something so simple? They are sugar, like you rightly said, and will attract ants. #NotAllAnts but some will suddenly appear. As for myself, I have gone off sugar since my third cavity and my father has Type 1 Diabetes (sorry Sir, little joke I made to make you laugh).

All these women are arguing that because they pay taxes, they also have basic human rights to move as they please and feel secure. They expect the police to look after them as if the police have nothing better to do than stop crimes from taking place or catch criminals. Sir, please tell me why do they need to work or party till late? Why leave home to watch a late movie show when you can go to my uncle's shop (Prakash Electronics) in Palika Bazaar and get latest film DVDs? That Nirbhaya girl was also out till late to watch Life of Pi and look what happened. Why watch such foreign films in the first place? The 3D glasses gave me a headache! I remember when I saw Hum Saath Saath Hain with my family at Delite. We ate popcorns like anything.

You were absolutely right about women only leaving home with their family. Some women are arguing that, recently, some Shivaji fans assaulted a group of women at Lonavala Fort despite them being with their husbands. Sir, why can't these men protect their women? I do 75 sit-ups every day and regularly eat almonds so that no one is getting molested around me. Healthy diet is needed these days.

Partying with one's parents is the best experience and is big part of our culture. Sir, last year we went to see Falguni Pathak and had unlimited Paneer Butter Masala and kulcha at the buffet. My father had one too many of the complimentary whiskeys and started blaming the Bangladeshis for all of India's woes. My aunt fought with Bunty's mother initially but later they sang a duet. It was such a memorable New Year's Eve.

Sir, kalyug is around the corner and we need to retain our culture otherwise these foreigners with their dirty music and hot pants are going to ruin this great country. We need to train our girls to not leave their homes after dark no matter how tempting those ladies' night offers seem. We should train our boys so that they don't get caught teaching cultural lessons to such girls.

We need more enthusiastic men like your son who has turned out so well (I look forward to meeting him someday so we can discuss how to abuse women over what they wear). I also hope to meet your granddaughter someday but only before sunset and on days I don't eat chowmein. Please keep unloading your beautiful mind because I am always taking notes and learning from you.

Sincerely,

Your fellow Male Chauvinist Pig