11 things I learned from reading Chetan Bhagat's One Indian Girl

Things I learned about Indian girls from Chetan Bhagat's One Indian Girl:

#1. Their ideal life is a cross between a Dharma Production and a Mills and Boon: So the love story has to take place across at least three continents (and only the biggest cities possible please, New York, London and Hong Kong) and the men and women are almost as important as the clothes they wear, the thread count of sheets they use, and the restaurants they go to.

#2. Money turns them on: And no matter how much they earn in foreign currency, they will always convert it into Indian rupees. Sex is good but spreadsheets are better. And if they can have both, life is perfect.

#3. They have low self-esteem: They can only think in terms of Sati Savitri and slut binaries. If they flirt with a man, they're sluts. If they sleep with a man, they're super sluts. And if they sleep with a married man, they're immoral sluts.

#4. They love a bargain: Especially if it's a Brazilian wax that costs $15 in addition to a leg wax that costs $100.

#5. They love oral sex even more: Reason for above Brazilian wax being so popular.

#6. They think in stereotypes: So all Bengalis wear monkey caps and carry rosogulla tins and all Punjabis live in Naraina, west Delhi.

#7. They love feminist men: Especially those who give textbook definitions of feminism: "Equal rights to get what they want rather than equal rights to the same things men want."

#8. They love their mothers: And they love their mothers' paranthas more.

#9. Wherever they are, they don't like to miss the Filmfare Awards: Or an Arijit Singh concert. Or a brand new Hindi film.

#10. They can live across the world and remain incredibly insular: They will not learn how to speak the local language, or use chopsticks, or make non-desi friends.

#11. They all think and talk like Chetan Bhagat: Which is to say they speak Chetanese, which can only be described as Patanjali English. So a dressed up girl looks like she's part of a Baisakhi troupe, when they want to be profound they use avian metaphors (we want to fly and we also want a beautiful nest) and they are always uncomfortable with outdoor activities.

So does One Indian Girl work? Chetan Bhagat writing a manifesto for women who want to rule the world?

I can already see the movie in production, starring Kangana Ranaut, plucky west Delhi girl who makes it big in the big bad world of finance, has to choose between not one, or two but three men. all the while making money, having great sex, and being a dutiful daughter.

I can even visualise the title: yes, it is, Desi Girl.

Let the casting for the men begin.

Also read - Nastiest review of Chetan Bhagat's new book