Befikre shows casual sex is aloo ka parantha with a French kiss

An evening in Paris and Sharmila Tagore in a bikini. That sent cultural shockwaves back in the time when bikinis intimidated people, just as casual sex frightens the Aditya Chopra-variety of the Indian republic.

Why else would Befikre end up being DDLJ in its climax? The only difference being that in 2016, Babuji is replaced by a mother who knows well that her daughter wants the aloo-parantha-esque marriage, not the French cuisine she has savoured for the longest time.

Why else would a desi, sex-starved Dharam (Ranveer Singh) fall in love with a woman he calls a "slut" or a "chudail"? And, why would the humiliated more-than-once Parisian in Shayara (Vaani Kapoor) still look at the man lovingly? 

The climax builds to a "Ghar aaja pardesi tera desh bulaye re" moment where love for the national cuisine helps the sobered Shayara (post the generous helpings of slut-shaming she goes through for bedding every cute guy in Paris) pick her groom.

Bon Appétit?

Not when Aditya Chopra's French-cocktail is arguably a recipe for all that's wrong about modern relationships in mainstream Indian cinema: 

1. Choke with coke: Mr Chopra has confused modernity with insanity. Not acceptable. Ranveer and Vaani play the befikre looking more like they are perpetually high on cocaine rather than life itself. Epic fail.

2. Casual sex is casual: How difficult is it for the filmmakers to understand that casual sex as a hook-up/no-strings attached/ sometimes friends-with-benefits arrangement between consenting adults? Why make it "sanskaari" by peppering it with the love potion - and worse baptise it with marriage?

3. Credit our intelligence: Who needs an aloo parantha to decide that you may be marrying the gentleman wrapped up as pasta, but your taste buds differ?

4. Drunken truth or dare:  We know the cliched adrenal rush you're trying to pump in, but however twisted we may be, we do not go about to-be-love interests, hook-up buddies and spouses in parks, in cars and everywhere other public haunt. Who would slap a cop just to get some action?  

5. Slut shaming: How difficult would it be to look for lust, love and everything in between in Paris? Why would a modern woman enjoy being slut-shamed and go weak in the knees for a man who humiliates her for her choices in life - in a split second? Not in the name of hooking up or love. 

6. Anything butt: First, not all men would have a butt like that, Ranveer Singh. And, assuming they do, they wouldn't go around flashing it to their ex-fling, for the heck of it. Atleast, not when you're thrilled to have hooked up with a French model. Ranveer in his Durex ad was far more convincing than playing the sexist-Indian-male in Paris, who cracks sleazy jokes, attempts stand-up comedy -  and is endlessly looking to get laid. In reverse order.

7. Investment banker: Just when you thought Mr Director and scriptwriter introduced you to a chivalrous, courteous romantic in the form of an investment banker, the joke is on you. Because the man is on a mission to redeem the bankers for being boring as hell since time immemorial. He is wild in equal measure, if not more. He also loves the Opera just as much he loves singing Bollywood songs - screaming his lungs out. Befikre wants you to believe modern men are eccentric and bitten by a fanatical bug. *Shudders*

In a press release, Mr Chopra had said that by making Befikre, he is trying to find out whether or not he is still relevant in today's day and age. Well, clearly he isn't.

Befikre is the overdone main course dressed in instant hook-ups, French kisses and confused love. Phir bhi dil hai hindustani. Aditya Chopra was, perhaps, trying to appease our censor board. Only that would explain the confused plot.

Modern relationships are anything but "Befikre". Casual sex is - and this can't be said enough - casual. Love is real. People know whom they want to marry, when and why. I wish Mr Chopra knew they do, for the sake of Befikre. So, Mr Chopra, why fly the entire crew and cast to Paris to make a film that ends in "Aloo Parantha" love? 

I dare you, replace the Paris in the French kiss with Patparganj, closer home. Far more convincing - and most definitely casual.