Six things we can learn from Bajrangi Bhaijaan

All right. All right. So now that Salman Khan has produced a jail-free pass for himself, a day before Eid, what are the lessons politicians can learn from him on how to seek redemption?

Several, it turns out.

1. When you're in trouble, make a movie to reinvent yourself: Cast yourself as a simpleton with a postmaster for a father, who also happens to be a shakha pramukh. Ensure you are a Hanuman bhakt who does pranam to any monkey who crosses his path. Don't eat meat. Don't enter a mosque unless absolutely essential. Assume everyone who is fair and lovely is a Brahmin. Wear Modi kurtas in fine linen and pastel shades. And reform only when your girlfriend tells you she loves you only because you have a clean heart and don't believe in paraya dharma and alag log. Ensure one song each to please both faiths - a song which says if you cut open Salman's heart you will find Ram, and another which praises the virtues of eating chicken. As if all this is not enough, sprinkle the movie with other potent symbols. Ensure the girl gets lost in Kurukshetra (yes, where the Mahabharata was fought). End the film with Salman looking like Dev Anand from Guide, and people calling him "khuda ka banda". Get rid of your turquoise bracelet and wear a Hanuman mace around your neck. Make the Hanuman pose superhero worthy.

2. When India and Pakistan are in trouble, just walk across: And here Prime Minister Narendra Modi thought it required a handshake with Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif, and that too in Ufa. Perhaps he needs to walk across much like his predecessor Atal Behari Vajpayee did from Wagah border (and pray to God that the Army chief doesn't do a Kargil). It's hardly a spoiler alert to say that Salman Khan's mission in the film is to take a little girl who cannot speak across the border to Pakistan, but since he cannot get a visa he has to do it clandestinely. Of course, because he has faith in humanity, he meets largely decent people who help him along the way. So this is Salman Khan to Mr Modi - hope like hell that people across the border want to be human when you go to the SAARC summit next year.

3. When the mainstream media ignores you, go straight to the people: Nafrat bikti hai, mohabbat nahin (hate sells, love doesn't), says Nawazuddin Siddiqui, who is cast here as a Pakistani TV journalist trying to sell the story that Salman is a good guy not a spy from India. When no one listens, he trusts in the power of the internet and in the reach of the mobile phone. Seems familiar from Prime Minister Narendra Modi's strategy in winning the 2014 elections? Forget the media, go straight to the people through social media.

4. If you haven't gone to college, don't think you don't have a future: No, no, I don't mean certain members of the Union Cabinet. This is the message from Bajrangi Bhaijaan. Salman is supposed to be no good either as a pandit or a pahalwan. Yet the beauteous Kareena Kapoor Khan, playing a school teacher in Old Delhi, falls in love with him. Could life get any better?

5. If you want to solve the Kashmir problem, just let the two Kashmirs unite: Om Puri's madrasa teacher in Pakistan tells an astounded Salman Khan that "thoda sa Kashmir hamare paas bhi hai". Much of the movie is based in what is supposed to be the Pakistan-occupied Kashmir. And it all ends well when the border between the two Kashmirs is briefly opened. The film's director Kabir Khan has obviously been talking to a lot of Track Two walas. After candlelight vigils in Wagah, they may consider torch-bearing processions to Muzaffarabad. If all else fails, they can always appoint Salman Khan as the ambassador of united Kashmir.

6. If you want to call out a Pakistani, administer the Shahid Afridi test: If a person claps when Afridi is batting, and especially pummelling India, you will know for sure he or she is a Pakistani. This is an update on the Tebbit test for migrants and works on people of all ages. Of course, you have to ensure this is all done with Salman's special brand of acting, and with the angelic Harshaali Malhotra as the lost girl and Siddiqui as the brave journalist, with the very canny Kabir Khan as director. Is the film exploitative, yes. Is it corny, oh super yes. Is it simplistic, of course.Is it watchable, yes. Will it help Salman? We'll know soon.