Gay? Just don't say the G-word please

A picture doing the rounds of Twitter this past week showed the front page of the New York Times the day after Apple CEO Tim Cook announced in Businessweek that he is gay. A few inches away from that story was a snippet about the Infosys employee who was arrested by the Bangalore police after his wife provided them tapes of his homosexual activity. The juxtaposition of the two pictures was meant to further drive home, if driving home was needed, the yawning chasm between the East and the West when it comes to acceptance of homosexuality.

In this year's Lilting, a Chinese man living in London must tell his mother he is gay and that the white friend with whom he shares an apartment is actually his boyfriend. Kai, it would seem, has prepared for this moment all his life, but is still unsure if he wants to go ahead with it. Junn, his mother, lives in an old people's home, also in London. The revelation about Richard, Kai’s boyfriend, is meant to ease Junn’s way into their apartment. Ben Whishaw (Richard) and Andrew Leung (Kai) are wonderful as the young couple whose love must fit around the latter's cultural realities. They are also a beautiful couple and their scenes together have the dreamy intimacy so rarely seen on the screen. (The last film which comes to mind is Andrew Haigh's Weekend.) Whishaw in particular is the ideal gay actor. His acting channels the joy and trauma of being gay in a way that is both delicate and charming. (Whishaw is gay in real life.)

On the evening Kai is to unveil his secret to his mother, he is killed in an accident. So, really, begins Lilting, as Richard must now introduce himself to Junn, first as a friend of Kai's, and later, when she is ready, as more than a friend. This is no easy task  -  Junn hates Richard who she thinks is the reason Kai never let her live with him. She does not, yet, know about their relationship and Richard must walk that tightrope.

Director Hong Khaou, a Cambodian now settled in Britain, perhaps tapped into his own experiences of coming out for the movie, which emphasises the difficulties of being both Asian and gay. That may be a stereotype but that fact does not take away from its likely truth. Since Junn speaks only Mandarin, Richard and she must communicate via a translator, a (female) friend of Richard's called Vann.

This makes for an unusual setup where the two protagonists do not just communicate across languages but also cultures. In one scene, Junn and Richard, via Vann, have an argument over Kai's ashes. Junn wants them, obviously, but so does Richard. She tells him: "You have a house full of his things. Why can't I have this one thing? He was my only child." To which Richard responds, in English, his voice choking: "He was my life. He was my..." As Junn looks to Vann to translate this, he stops her, saying: "She does not know."

Lilting is a remarkably restrained film given the subject matter. One can't help but marvel at its subdued narrative given that the story derives its salience from the contrasting attitudes to homosexuality in different parts of the world. It is not merely what happened to the Infosys employee that underscores this difference. Even as we fight battles for greater equality, it is true, is it not, that the East will take years, if not decades, to catch up with the West.

Let me explain. Equality is not just about rights and visibility and the broader political agenda. It is also about perceptions of the self and of social standing. On Grindr, the gay meet-up app, you see more and more people willing to show their faces in their profile pictures, which is a start. (Earlier, you only saw torsos.) But read their profiles and the majority repeat a statement: "Looking for friends and fun."

"Fun", for the uninitiated, is sex. Only nobody calls it that. Sex, you see, is intimate, it is wonderful, it can lead to love (heaven forbid!). But that's not possible, is it? We may belong to a generation that is fighting 377 and all that but we also have a long list of relatives who keep pestering our parents about when we are getting married. Like, properly married, to a girl. The truth is we will marry women, come what may, and have sex with them. Let's then make do with "fun".

For, fun we can't give up. It's who we are, in the bones. Just don't say the G-word please. Fun is playful. Fun lets us be. It's better when one's drunk. One can indulge in it without really knowing who it is with. The better to forget. Sex, on the other hand, leads to babies and families and respectability. Sex, definitely, after marriage, after rites, with the whole society watching. Fun now, anytime, anywhere!

Junn does finally learn about Richard and Kai, and she accepts. Which is all to the good since she has lost her son but can now hope to know his lover. Lilting is beautiful but it is only a film. If only life provided resolutions as neatly.